Faithful and True

Was having a moment of desperation and despair over my recent situations..

Aimlessly playing games on Facebook killing time, while surfing the online job sites searching and applying for jobs.

Even when I had received a call this afternoon to go for a job interview tomorrow, I was thrilled for only a few minutes, and apprehensive about the favourable outcome for potential employment.

Heart still heavy, from within my mind and soul just springs the words.. "My redeemer is faithful and true". I began to sing this song, a favourite of mine, and tears just began streaming down my face as emotions overwhelm me. I can't describe all the thoughts and emotions that filled my whole being, nor the presence of God which seemed to just surround me at that moment. I know that moment my heart just broke before the Lord, my Redeemer.

I sang the song and wept for a bit. My heart is grateful and I know God touched me and comforted me. Thank you, God.

And here's the song, I found on YouTube. The original was sung by Steven Curtis Chapman, and I first heard it 20years ago by Bobby Michaels. However, I think this guy played and sang it well enough. There are quite a number of it posted, including one sang 'live' by Steven Curtis Chapman himself.

LYRICS:

As I look back on this road I've travelled

I've seen so many times He's carried me through

And if there's one thing that I've learnt in my life...

It's - my Redeemer is faithful and true

Chorus

My Redeemer is faithful and true

Everything He has said, He will do

And every morning His mercies are new

My Redeemer is faithful and true

And in every situation

He has proved his love to me

When I lacked the understanding

He gives more grace to me

(back to chorus)

There's a verse 2, but currently, only the above are what's ringing in my soul.

I will trust in God's faithfulness. He is faithful even when I am faith-less.

God is a good God.

Over-worrying Mum

Sigh... I'm so frustrated!!!!

Mum had seemed heavy hearted lately and I almost could see the overnight-aging-effect on her countenance. All her face skin just seemed to be darker and saggier.. that makes me wanna quickly buy her a bottle of Estee Lauder's "Advance Night Repair Synchronised" - their latest product - to use. Or SKII, or some other anti-aging products that work miracles!

However, deep down, I know that giving her all these top-notch beauty products will not work as long as she over-worries over everything. And I know that I am one main source of her worries.

So today, during lunch, I asked her what's been bothering her lately.. did anyone said something that hurt her feelings deeply? ... Is she worried about her sister (my aunt) or other relatives?... did my bro disappoint her in anyway?? etc..?? And I am prepared that the first thing she would bring up is - YOURS TRULY. And Bingo~!

Yea, mum said that no one has hurt her feelings, no one is frustrating or disappointing her, and YES, I AM THE ONLY REASON for her recent insomnia and worried face. -_-

She wonders why I can be so unlucky.. why had my jobs not worked out? And on top of that, she worries about my health and fitness as all mothers would. She expects to see me wake up real early in the morning and be very energetic to go about the daily stuff, and to see me sleep before midnight. However, me being a nocturnal person, usually refused to sleep till I'm tired.. which is around 2am or later, and don't wake till 11am (when I don't need to work the next day). She also worries about my lifestyle, how I spent my weekends just hiding in the bedroom resting, and a heap of disapprovals regarding my bf. No one will ever meet her standards. NO ONE. Sigh....

So, yea, mum and I had a little argument over her over-worrying, and me being the source of her over-worrying.

This really frustrates me!!!!

I do love my mother and wants her to be proud of me and happy and worry-free. But, I know I won't be able to ever achieve that unless I became someone successful in my career (with high salary and status and regular international travels), and marries a financially stable successful man that is also charming, capable, with good personality and character. Then, she can have peace of mind and rest-assured that her daughter is in good hands, and independent.

I wished the same for myself too, but reality is far from fantasy and dreams. I don't blame my mum for having those expectations or wishes for me too. But I wished she can stop over-worrying!!! I wished she could release those worries and just see things on the positive side.

Even in the earlier argument or conversation I had with her, she was pointing out all my failures and flaws... even when I've put in effort to try to achieve them, once I start to slide off the mark, I'm back to being a case of failure and source of extreme worries in her eyes.

I am sad that I could never make her happy. Yet, I am not willing to change my entire lifestyle and habits and choices just that she can be happy. This is the struggle I have between the expectations of filial piety and achieving personal happiness and identity.

I wonder if I no longer live under the same roof, where she no longer can see the way I chose to live my life... would she worry less?

ANYWAY...

I just hope to find a good stable job soon. At least that would put one main worry away. Because I know, she's worried that if I still don't find work/income, there's no way I can survive the next few months financially. She knows I am penny-less.

I would try to wake by 8am and sleep by midnight, if it pleases her so. That is within my control, and this is one stone that will kill 2 birds. Because I know that my bf also worries over my sleeping pattern. Sigh...

As for whatever disapprovals she has over me and my bf's activities at home, perhaps its time to spend less time at home and more time outside. We usually just stay in my room to chill, watch TV, play games on Facebook, surf net for info, or just Zzzzzz - it's great to have the comfort of air-con. The more "docile" activities is also largely due to me having back pains, or me being too drained/weak due to menses, or me not feeling well due to sinus infections - so we just stay indoors and chill the weekend out. There were days that we go out, but lately we're just trying to save on petrol and parking. Whatever lah, though these sound like excuses, but that's the quality time we've been spending together. Since that's an eyesore to mum, its time to make some adjustment and just get out of her sight. Sigh....

I guess there's no way I can ever stop mum from her worries. If she's not worried about me, she'll be worried about my bro, or the nephews, or the maids. Otherwise, it'll be my aunt or some other personal source of worries. Sometimes I wonder if worrying is the thing that she enjoys doing. I hope that God will remind her to pray and cast her cares upon Him so her burdens may roll away. I won't be the right person to tell her that, hurhur.. *guilty face*

Gotta admit, I've been selfish too. I admit that I've been too self-centered in the way I've lived my life, and unaware that every move I made caused anxiety to those who cares for me.

I just hope that God will be gracious to me and provide me with a good stable job that I can settle and be happy in. And that God will bless Jeff, so that his TPE project will wrap up soon once and for all, and that he will also be able to find a better job with better income.

I worry too about my finances. Hence, if I still don't land a job soon, I will seriously take up part time jobs even if it pays only $5 per hour.

And I hope, I can motivate myself hard enough to start exercising daily - that will surely make mum happier. I guess, when mum is happy, I can be happier. After all, she's my only mum, and she loves me.

Sigh, I feel helpless, really.

I just hope that God will minister to mum and give her peace.

Amen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway, after I've cooled down (thanks to blogging it off my chest), I sms'd mum to tell her I'm sorry to have made her worry so much for me, and told her that I'll try to improve, and thanked her for her love. So, we made peace. ^_^ Happy Ending.

Freedom from Slavery! Home Again!

So, I've finally quit the job and now I'm home.

Finally, freedom from the daily torment! But yes... need to find a new job immediately in order to pay bills. This will not be a holiday to nuah.

The events leading up to my "resignation" was rather dramatic but I'm glad I made the right decision for myself. I am also glad to have my darling, and my trusted friends who supported me and gave me good advice.

Don't think I'll wanna work with retail or cosmetics industry again. The culture leaves a bad taste in the mouth unless I'm with the sales & marketing group, which is fun and happening. However, my job belongs with the functional group - you just get to labour and watch the fun, while bearing with the demands of bitchy folks and those with diva attitudes. However, there are also really nice people amongst them. I'm glad to have met some of them.

I'm also kinda surprised that right after I've left the company, one of my colleagues there (The girl who sat in the workstation in front of me) immediately deleted me and blocked me on facebook. WTF? Really, I am rather disappointed. But, neither would I bother to find out why... that's also because she's not someone whom I feel I wanted to maintain friendship with anyway. That's how things were for me at the office. She's also the one who told me that she disliked me right from the day I started work there, because she disliked the lady I replaced, and that she feels I am quite similar in many ways to that lady. Duh... Childish & Immature. Then, after that, she became friendly and said someone pointed out to her that its not fair for her to stereotype me to my predecessor, and so then she finds me quite nice to work with. Then, she blows hot and cold but I just ignore it, treating her as just another little girl who is childish and immature. Things were friendly on the surface on my last day, but I just don't get why she needs to delete or even block me. I'm not even stalking her. Anyway, enough about her.

Hence, since 2nd Sep I've been home. I felt lost and depressed for awhile, as well as feeling anxious about finances. Jeff was very supportive and gave me encouragements. I was also chatting over MSN with ET and really cried hard when she cheered me on and encouraged me. Shirl was also there for me, giving me useful advice and affirmations. Other pals, including Charlie, Carol, Michelle, Aslilia from MH were there for me as well. What surprised me most was the support that came from mum. I thought she'll be upset with me, but she was not. She was glad I left the company as she felt it really wasn't worth it. She felt I deserve something better. My bro was also concerned - called me up to catchup on what's the situation, and prayed for me.

Earlier this week, I finally had my first job interview. It was for a HR Manager position with a US MNC in Flavours and Fragrance business. It went ok, and I'm not too excited about this job. That's because I will need to handle A-Z on all HR matters including the medical claim, leave, filing etc for 200 over staff, including alternating between 2 locations - the office and the manufacturing plant.

Next week, I'll have another interview for a HR position with a US MNC in the life sciences industry. The job sounds good, but I do feel kinda inadequate for the position. Nevertheless, I will go for the interview and will then be able to get a clearer picture of what the role requires. Hopefully, it would be a job fit for me.

In the meanwhile, I hope there will still be other opportunities opening up for me!!!

Ok, that's all for now. Will go take a break, and maybe a nap. Hurhurhurhurhur...