A Failure in her eyes

Another day out with mum which ended in a fight.

Words can kill and words can heal. Why is it almost every time that her words kill?

I got home and sobbed in the bathroom while taking a quick shower. Returned to my bedroom and cried my heart out for another round. Thanks to Kevin Kern, the soothing piano pieces brought back some peace to my soul.

Would mum ever be happy for me?

As far as I could remember, it is rare that anything I do, or I am, would be good enough for her. I guess, like most kids, I grew up yearning for my mum's approval. My brother has always been the better one. And me, the bitter one? Nah, I was not bitter, however, I know I was always second best or a failure in her eyes.

When I became a Christian, the love and acceptance of God healed me of that brokenness and need. I begin to find my personal identity and self acceptance. Nothing else matters anymore, other than what might be pleasing in God's eyes. I so wanted her to be proud of me, when I began to write songs and play music well - though she'll always remember my failure in not completing my piano lessons.

I don't blame her either. She loves me too, I know. She has hopes for me, and wants my life to turn out more fortunate than her own. But I always seem to fail her. I didn't do well in school days, but managed to complete my studies. Then, I started working and finally reached the level of a Manager, drawing a good salary - but short-lived. Now, I'm back to a failure, unable to secure a high paying job at a managerial level. On top of that, I am fat and unwanted and unhealthy, and so she thinks that prevented me from getting the attention of eligible bachelors. OK to be fair, she's not so shallow or materialistic, it's just her overly-concerned motherly love and hopes for me to marry well. She was happy last year when I put off 10kg and started looking quite attractive, but now, I'm a hippo.

What triggered off the fight today was our conversation after lunch. We went to Sunset Way for lunch and was just agreeing with each other on how ideal and nice that neighbourhood was. So she brought up the subject that according to recent reports, many young couples were unable to purchase HDB flats because they were unable to afford it due to rising prices. So she said, I should really plan for it with my bf quickly. I told her, it's not that we want to delay, but rather, we have our own issues to settle first - I need a stable job and income whilst Jeff has to settle his personal business matters. It takes time to save up as well. What pissed me off was when she remarked that I'll be in dire straits if I don't have a job because Jeff won't be able to provide for me, so I should consider ending it and find someone else before it is too late.

That's when I blow up. I accused her straight off for looking down on him, which she denied. She was being realistic and protective of my interests, and told me that any mother would have been disapproving of their daughter ending up with someone who would potentially make their daughter live in poverty and need. Moreover, if I were to become pregnant, I'll still have to work to support the family - and she feels sorry for herself that at her age she still have to work and earn a living whilst some of her sisters and friends who married well lived easier lives - especially my cousins, most of them married very well. So she wonders, why am I so unfortunate in every aspect? Jobless, no savings, poor health/fitness, and a bf that does not seem very successful or enterprising.

I jumped to Jeff's defence, of course. It is not fair for her to make those statements. She have not known him for the man he is, and since she was critical right from the start, there is no way she would ever try to see the good in him - it won't ever match up as long as she compares him to her benchmarks. Hence, I told her that nothing will ever be good enough for her. And I declare that it is unlikely that I will "go find someone new". Also, I told her, that I know that no matter how hard I try, I will never be good enough for her either. Some way or another, I'll always be a failure - and she usually would say that it is her own failure as a mother that I am in my state today.

Anyway, today's fight opened up old wounds. I have spent my youth in a strong inferiority complex, and probably the shame of the family whilst my brother is the shining star. He did well academically (he works very hard and was also under a lot of pressure to perform), went to University, and is now rather successful and recognised in his career. I am very very proud of him.. I love my darling brother very much.

I wish, I could have something to prove. But I don't.

I don't have savings.

I don't have any income because I don't have a job right now, and neither do I feel I have sufficient credentials to land another high paying high level position.

I don't have a rich & successful boyfriend to show off or to put her worries off - but I love Jeff and I believe we can build our life together though it may not be in luxury and glamorous living. Our life together can be simple joys and basic comfort. We will work out the problems together, and I am braced for it. Of course, it would be nice if he earns a fat income and I can just be a tai tai and spend money without any reservations, but I really don't feel that a person should be defined by what he earns, nor should happiness be defined by how much you can spend. Yea yea, money is not everything but you cannot do without it either. I know.

Whatever it is, I just hope that things will work out for me.

I felt so broken just now, confronted with the failure of my life. All the setbacks and disappointments. The pain of losing so much money and zero savings due to foolishness in my past - for lending beyond my means and ending up in a debt that took me almost 10years to clear. Now, I am debt free but still zero saving due to career woes. Losing my job or taken on the wrong ones and have to quit, as a result causing extreme worries to my parents, mum especially. Sigh...

I really want to walk out of this situation. I still believe and see the light at the end of the tunnel. I still see the glass half full. I still have the courage to march on, come what may. I still have not given up on myself despite the failures that come one after another. I just hope that God would be merciful and gracious to me, and open the way for me to walk again on higher grounds.

I still count my blessings. I will not let this get me down. I fought too hard to be the person I am today. I have to be extra KNS and have extra faith in myself in order not to fall into inferiority complex. I have to be extra optimistic in order not to let those around me who are negative drag me down. I have to be my own cheerleader and be the one who is most loving towards myself. I will have to speak words of life to myself when others speak fear and destruction.

Things will get better. I believe it. So shall it be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As usual, once I've calmed down and cooled off, I'll send an apology for the words I've said to mum. Yes, its eating humble pie, but she's my only mother and she said those things out of love. Though I wish she could take things more optimistically and not be so uptight and neurotic, I would have to accept her as who she is, as much as I hope to be accepted for who I am.

Sigh...

Over-worrying Mum

Sigh... I'm so frustrated!!!!

Mum had seemed heavy hearted lately and I almost could see the overnight-aging-effect on her countenance. All her face skin just seemed to be darker and saggier.. that makes me wanna quickly buy her a bottle of Estee Lauder's "Advance Night Repair Synchronised" - their latest product - to use. Or SKII, or some other anti-aging products that work miracles!

However, deep down, I know that giving her all these top-notch beauty products will not work as long as she over-worries over everything. And I know that I am one main source of her worries.

So today, during lunch, I asked her what's been bothering her lately.. did anyone said something that hurt her feelings deeply? ... Is she worried about her sister (my aunt) or other relatives?... did my bro disappoint her in anyway?? etc..?? And I am prepared that the first thing she would bring up is - YOURS TRULY. And Bingo~!

Yea, mum said that no one has hurt her feelings, no one is frustrating or disappointing her, and YES, I AM THE ONLY REASON for her recent insomnia and worried face. -_-

She wonders why I can be so unlucky.. why had my jobs not worked out? And on top of that, she worries about my health and fitness as all mothers would. She expects to see me wake up real early in the morning and be very energetic to go about the daily stuff, and to see me sleep before midnight. However, me being a nocturnal person, usually refused to sleep till I'm tired.. which is around 2am or later, and don't wake till 11am (when I don't need to work the next day). She also worries about my lifestyle, how I spent my weekends just hiding in the bedroom resting, and a heap of disapprovals regarding my bf. No one will ever meet her standards. NO ONE. Sigh....

So, yea, mum and I had a little argument over her over-worrying, and me being the source of her over-worrying.

This really frustrates me!!!!

I do love my mother and wants her to be proud of me and happy and worry-free. But, I know I won't be able to ever achieve that unless I became someone successful in my career (with high salary and status and regular international travels), and marries a financially stable successful man that is also charming, capable, with good personality and character. Then, she can have peace of mind and rest-assured that her daughter is in good hands, and independent.

I wished the same for myself too, but reality is far from fantasy and dreams. I don't blame my mum for having those expectations or wishes for me too. But I wished she can stop over-worrying!!! I wished she could release those worries and just see things on the positive side.

Even in the earlier argument or conversation I had with her, she was pointing out all my failures and flaws... even when I've put in effort to try to achieve them, once I start to slide off the mark, I'm back to being a case of failure and source of extreme worries in her eyes.

I am sad that I could never make her happy. Yet, I am not willing to change my entire lifestyle and habits and choices just that she can be happy. This is the struggle I have between the expectations of filial piety and achieving personal happiness and identity.

I wonder if I no longer live under the same roof, where she no longer can see the way I chose to live my life... would she worry less?

ANYWAY...

I just hope to find a good stable job soon. At least that would put one main worry away. Because I know, she's worried that if I still don't find work/income, there's no way I can survive the next few months financially. She knows I am penny-less.

I would try to wake by 8am and sleep by midnight, if it pleases her so. That is within my control, and this is one stone that will kill 2 birds. Because I know that my bf also worries over my sleeping pattern. Sigh...

As for whatever disapprovals she has over me and my bf's activities at home, perhaps its time to spend less time at home and more time outside. We usually just stay in my room to chill, watch TV, play games on Facebook, surf net for info, or just Zzzzzz - it's great to have the comfort of air-con. The more "docile" activities is also largely due to me having back pains, or me being too drained/weak due to menses, or me not feeling well due to sinus infections - so we just stay indoors and chill the weekend out. There were days that we go out, but lately we're just trying to save on petrol and parking. Whatever lah, though these sound like excuses, but that's the quality time we've been spending together. Since that's an eyesore to mum, its time to make some adjustment and just get out of her sight. Sigh....

I guess there's no way I can ever stop mum from her worries. If she's not worried about me, she'll be worried about my bro, or the nephews, or the maids. Otherwise, it'll be my aunt or some other personal source of worries. Sometimes I wonder if worrying is the thing that she enjoys doing. I hope that God will remind her to pray and cast her cares upon Him so her burdens may roll away. I won't be the right person to tell her that, hurhur.. *guilty face*

Gotta admit, I've been selfish too. I admit that I've been too self-centered in the way I've lived my life, and unaware that every move I made caused anxiety to those who cares for me.

I just hope that God will be gracious to me and provide me with a good stable job that I can settle and be happy in. And that God will bless Jeff, so that his TPE project will wrap up soon once and for all, and that he will also be able to find a better job with better income.

I worry too about my finances. Hence, if I still don't land a job soon, I will seriously take up part time jobs even if it pays only $5 per hour.

And I hope, I can motivate myself hard enough to start exercising daily - that will surely make mum happier. I guess, when mum is happy, I can be happier. After all, she's my only mum, and she loves me.

Sigh, I feel helpless, really.

I just hope that God will minister to mum and give her peace.

Amen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway, after I've cooled down (thanks to blogging it off my chest), I sms'd mum to tell her I'm sorry to have made her worry so much for me, and told her that I'll try to improve, and thanked her for her love. So, we made peace. ^_^ Happy Ending.

The 4 Letter word named WORK

Had a really REALLY REALLY bad day at work.

First of all, last night, I worked late to complete all the backlogs of paperworks.

Got home 11pm plus, had dinner and showered, its already midnight.

Was on the phone with Jeff, and again, he is moody because I worked late.

In the end, I felt hurt and disappointed by his sarcasm and unhappiness over my working late, and had to cry myself to sleep.

It's tough enough to have to take a low pay that hardly make ends meet, have so much to do, got home late, and still have to defend and justify it to my love ones, begging for understanding and support. 

What the fuck! I used to have the freedom to work till 2am, though tired and felt over-worked-under-paid, yet at least have the peace of mind and satisfaction that I've fulfilled my responsibilities and put in an honest day's work. 

Sometimes I get a sympathetic pat on the shoulder, or sympathetic ear when I bitch about work, or someone saying he/she understands what I am going through, and encouraged me to hang on.

Now, I worry about how unhappy my guy is gonna be. I worry about how am I gonna explain my late night again. 

Why do I feel I am getting punished for working late?

Got in this morning, sat down at the office desk and cried again. 

I really hope I can find a new job soon that would work out for me.

Boss was not pleased when she handed me back the stack of all the paper work I've put up for her to sign.

She said, I should never give her all these at one go to sign, because it takes up SO MUCH of her time to go through and sign them.

How about the 4 hours I put in just to get all these paperwork done? OMG!!!!!! I can't believe my ears!!

And, with that, Boss had a "talk" with me.

The talk did not end well.

First, she could not understand why I am stressed and don't seem to be coping with all the work.

OMG!!! I'm functioning as her full time secretary, full time department admin assistant, and a HR Specialist at the pay rate of peanuts!

Then, when we spoke about one of the projects, she got angry and started to show her colors and displeasure, because she was under the wrong impression that I have gone ahead to confirm hotels and such - which I had not. No time to look into this project yet, and had been unable to get the time to sit down with her to go through all the details. She's been travelling extensively, and when she's around, her schedules are packed from early morning till evening. My emails are non-stop getting instructions from her to work on things, followup on issues, collating and chasing for data from the countries etc. I was also working on fire-fighting mode.

Yet, now, she don't understand why???? hahahaha.. I am speechless.

That's why I am now sitting here, blogging and crying silently at my desk during lunch hour, via email.

I wish to quit, but I need the money.

Yet, right now, my confidence is really shaken. Can't I do a junior admin person's job well even?

Boss said I do very good work, very detailed and complete. However, I guess, she has a problem with how fast I turnaround things.

I want to take the responsibility, accept the blame. But how can I?

I felt that it is unfair to expect me to be running all these projects independently within 2 months of joining.

I felt that I am bogged down by all the secretarial and admin responsibilities that goes on daily.

I felt that she does not have a realistic take on the necessary time/complexity/paperwork that needs to go into each issues.

Or perhaps, its just me. 

This is fast becoming a pattern. It seems.

In my last job, it didn't work out. 

This, a much easier job, still is not working out.

Am I so bad at it?

I really feel that I can do better, and shine, at a real HR role. 

No more secretarial/admin support roles for me next.

I feel so miserable right now.

If I were to pour my heart to Jeff now about how I'm feeling and crying, will I get an unhappy tone and "I told you so"?

Or will he comfort me and tell me to hang on, he's here for me, and encourage me to keep hoping and trying for a better job?

Anyway, I know he loves me and wants me to be happy, feeling the pain that I need to work hard. So, I'll understand if he is unable to react in the way I prefer a friend or darling would.

Sigh.. I need a hug.

I sincerely hope, the job that the MichaelPage Consultant shared with me about last week will bring me favourable news soon.

The Consultant contacted me about an Asst HR Manager role, reporting to a Regional HR Director, and supervising a HR Administrator.

The role's job description and the expectations of the Regional HR Director is really a match to what I am seeking for, except that I do not have experience in SAP HR. However, I am confident that I can pick up SAP HR without much problem. So, hopefully, the recruiter will be willing to see me for an interview, and hopefully I will be successfully selected for the position.

Then I will give my 2 weeks notice, and get out of this miserable job.

Otherwise, I just hope that the opportunity at ET's company would open soon and perhaps there is the chance I could move there. It will be so great to work with ET again, and Aslilia! 

May God bless me!!

Perhaps, it is time to get down on my knees and pray.

The prodigal son (daughter) is eating shit when even the servants at the Father's house have brownies as dessert.  (-_-)

Oh, I need a new rainbow!

Today, I will leave at 6pm sharp and be home in time for Singapore Idol.

*self hug*

Tweetie

BMW!! Lousy day at work

Sigh... what to say? I'm beginning to feel quite strongly that this very secretarial role in my new company is not working out fine for me!

 

It is really tough adjustment to "play secretary" to a female lady who is not easy to pleased.

 

Neither am I really a good secretarial material. In fact, I am starting to really HATE managing the calendars and conference calls and people enquiring with me on her availability. It may be easy shit for others, but I find it really such a stinking piece of shit. Making it worse is my boss - sigh... don't wanna elaborate, but I am not feeling so motivated today. In fact, right now, I am upset!!!

 

I want to go home. But .... I can't!!

The entire day (other than a nice lunch at Bakerzin with my 2 really nice colleagues who made my day) has been spent on calendars calendars calendars.  OMG I wanna scream!!!!! I think I'd rather be swimming in a deep pool in another company managing all the operational HR stuff, which is also shit, but perhaps at a higher pay rate and getting the feel that I'm really doing work.

 

I didn't expect myself to feel this way, honestly.

I thought i wouldn't mind being an administrator again, but the Job description certainly made the job look attractive.

The Company's reputation, benefits and perks are some of the retaining factor too.

However, these are things I am very willing to forego if the job scope really don't work out for me.

I feel like a useless secretary, and absolutely no excellence nor confidence. Honestly, it is really not my forte to babysit someone else's calendar, appointments, etc.

 

Though boss clarified that she does not need me to monitor her appointments, but how do I detach myself from that?

People whom she's supposed to call and meet are calling me up to check if she's done, or when she's done can i please give a call to inform them so they can call in, ...

Worse thing is, I had to negotiate for a slot for her today at a certain time. And since she said she dont want reminders nor prompts, I tried not to do so. However, 15mins passed the appointment time and she has not yet made a move to the other office (10mins walk), and the other big shot's PA expects me to be monitoring and keeping tabs or updating the parties. GRRRRRRRR~!!!!! When I inform her that she'll be 30mins late, I got a tick-off from her that she does not need to be prompted and didn't she just clarified that the day before! I felt like such a chow kaypoh and a nuisance to her!! Geez!!! Yet, she does not understand that I need to keep other parties updated. When i try to explain that the other PA has stressed that the appointment should be kept in time, she told me that if the PA has a problem with that, just ask if the PA wants to have a word with her.

 

.... ....... ..... ..

 

I'm speechless.

Absolutely uncomfortable.

And I'm pissed off!!

 

Anyway, I called that PA to inform her that my boss will be late, and apologised about it.

 

SIGH... I HATE IT!!!

 

And then, there are other little unpleasantness of the day in other matters that really frustrates me.

 

Sigh... sigh... sigh....

 

I don't want to give up so easily, I don't want to run away from difficulties. I don't want another "short term" job that didn't work out.

Yet, how do I solve this situation?

 

I can't imagine when the new Director starts her project and the other new Director joins and starts his projects!! They will all look to me for support. During then, can I manage a very PA-dependent Boss and 2 other Directors?

 

Good question.

 

The salary rate is so not worth it.

Yes I'm bitching and moaning and whining. BMW!!!!

 

And now, back to work. *&^%$#@!!!