The 4 Letter word named WORK

Had a really REALLY REALLY bad day at work.

First of all, last night, I worked late to complete all the backlogs of paperworks.

Got home 11pm plus, had dinner and showered, its already midnight.

Was on the phone with Jeff, and again, he is moody because I worked late.

In the end, I felt hurt and disappointed by his sarcasm and unhappiness over my working late, and had to cry myself to sleep.

It's tough enough to have to take a low pay that hardly make ends meet, have so much to do, got home late, and still have to defend and justify it to my love ones, begging for understanding and support. 

What the fuck! I used to have the freedom to work till 2am, though tired and felt over-worked-under-paid, yet at least have the peace of mind and satisfaction that I've fulfilled my responsibilities and put in an honest day's work. 

Sometimes I get a sympathetic pat on the shoulder, or sympathetic ear when I bitch about work, or someone saying he/she understands what I am going through, and encouraged me to hang on.

Now, I worry about how unhappy my guy is gonna be. I worry about how am I gonna explain my late night again. 

Why do I feel I am getting punished for working late?

Got in this morning, sat down at the office desk and cried again. 

I really hope I can find a new job soon that would work out for me.

Boss was not pleased when she handed me back the stack of all the paper work I've put up for her to sign.

She said, I should never give her all these at one go to sign, because it takes up SO MUCH of her time to go through and sign them.

How about the 4 hours I put in just to get all these paperwork done? OMG!!!!!! I can't believe my ears!!

And, with that, Boss had a "talk" with me.

The talk did not end well.

First, she could not understand why I am stressed and don't seem to be coping with all the work.

OMG!!! I'm functioning as her full time secretary, full time department admin assistant, and a HR Specialist at the pay rate of peanuts!

Then, when we spoke about one of the projects, she got angry and started to show her colors and displeasure, because she was under the wrong impression that I have gone ahead to confirm hotels and such - which I had not. No time to look into this project yet, and had been unable to get the time to sit down with her to go through all the details. She's been travelling extensively, and when she's around, her schedules are packed from early morning till evening. My emails are non-stop getting instructions from her to work on things, followup on issues, collating and chasing for data from the countries etc. I was also working on fire-fighting mode.

Yet, now, she don't understand why???? hahahaha.. I am speechless.

That's why I am now sitting here, blogging and crying silently at my desk during lunch hour, via email.

I wish to quit, but I need the money.

Yet, right now, my confidence is really shaken. Can't I do a junior admin person's job well even?

Boss said I do very good work, very detailed and complete. However, I guess, she has a problem with how fast I turnaround things.

I want to take the responsibility, accept the blame. But how can I?

I felt that it is unfair to expect me to be running all these projects independently within 2 months of joining.

I felt that I am bogged down by all the secretarial and admin responsibilities that goes on daily.

I felt that she does not have a realistic take on the necessary time/complexity/paperwork that needs to go into each issues.

Or perhaps, its just me. 

This is fast becoming a pattern. It seems.

In my last job, it didn't work out. 

This, a much easier job, still is not working out.

Am I so bad at it?

I really feel that I can do better, and shine, at a real HR role. 

No more secretarial/admin support roles for me next.

I feel so miserable right now.

If I were to pour my heart to Jeff now about how I'm feeling and crying, will I get an unhappy tone and "I told you so"?

Or will he comfort me and tell me to hang on, he's here for me, and encourage me to keep hoping and trying for a better job?

Anyway, I know he loves me and wants me to be happy, feeling the pain that I need to work hard. So, I'll understand if he is unable to react in the way I prefer a friend or darling would.

Sigh.. I need a hug.

I sincerely hope, the job that the MichaelPage Consultant shared with me about last week will bring me favourable news soon.

The Consultant contacted me about an Asst HR Manager role, reporting to a Regional HR Director, and supervising a HR Administrator.

The role's job description and the expectations of the Regional HR Director is really a match to what I am seeking for, except that I do not have experience in SAP HR. However, I am confident that I can pick up SAP HR without much problem. So, hopefully, the recruiter will be willing to see me for an interview, and hopefully I will be successfully selected for the position.

Then I will give my 2 weeks notice, and get out of this miserable job.

Otherwise, I just hope that the opportunity at ET's company would open soon and perhaps there is the chance I could move there. It will be so great to work with ET again, and Aslilia! 

May God bless me!!

Perhaps, it is time to get down on my knees and pray.

The prodigal son (daughter) is eating shit when even the servants at the Father's house have brownies as dessert.  (-_-)

Oh, I need a new rainbow!

Today, I will leave at 6pm sharp and be home in time for Singapore Idol.

*self hug*

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