My true love, Jeff

I love Jeff.

Its as simple as that.

He has been the one who was there for me.. in my most difficult moments, and he's been there by my side since the day he took the courage to woo me.

Since then, he has always been consistently caring, loving, pampering, supportive and sweet.

He sends me an sms every morning.

He calls me every night.

He spends time with me every weekend.

He puts up with all my nonsense.... ok.. most of my nonsense. I'm not an easy bitch to handle.

He has been the only guy so far who has proven his love and faithfulness to me.

There is no other reason why I would not marry him when the time comes.

And most of all, I believe things will work out between the both of us.

He is the most wonderful and sincere man, whom I know I can depend on.

I love you darling, thank you for loving me.

.... and thanks for the Carlsberg Special Brew 8.8% which inspired me to post this. hahaha....

Muacks~!

Wrong shoe for me!

Got up early this morning for the final interview.

Mum was very kind to send me to the office location at Alexandra Road and I was there at 9.30am, half an hour early. So, I bought myself a hearty cup of Americano at Starbucks and sat down for a slow drink while reading my thriller noval by Nora Roberts.

Went up to the office 5mins before time and was attended to by an attractive long hair lady. Shortly, I was informed that the Regional HR Director is on a conference call and so I waited for approx 25 mins at the Reception Area. It was a nicely decorated space which also functions as the pantry, with a nice set of sofa furnished like a living room with a wonderful view overlooking the Pasir Panjang coast. I stood at the glass wall and enjoyed the view for awhile, and then sat down to continue with reading. Glad I brought the book along.

Today, I went armed with the objective to find out all I can about the job and the expectations directly from the potential boss, as well as to see if she would be someone I can imagine working with. Also, I hope to have a chance to see the office and to have a feel of the work environment and culture if possible.

I was glad when the Interviewer - the Regional HR Director - came to receive me and took me to her office for the interview instead of holding it at the huge conference meeting room. She seems friendly and approachable, dressed plainly in a jacket and pants with no makeup on. Walking through the office, I managed to get a good take of the office setup - a very open office with small workstations and very low partitions, literally no privacy unless you are of managerial level sitting at workstations with slightly higher partitions. Only the Director level sit in rooms that are also rather small, in my opinion. Generally, the office seems messy and cluttered.

The interview lasted slightly more than an hour. During which, the Interviewer was quite honest with me in her assessment of my capabilities and experience. She revealed that she was not too impressed with my competencies nor was she interested to interview me when she was first presented with my CV. (-_-") However, upon receiving positive feedback from both the Asst HR Manager and the Hong Kong HR Manager, she decided to meet me - it seems, they like my personality, despite the fact that I am not as experienced and qualified as other candidates.

She also explained to me her concerns and the importance of having someone who is very well versed with the latest changes in labour employment laws of Singapore as well as keeping oneself up to date with all the latest practices and regulations in the HR Field, for all markets/regions especially Singapore. She also require the person to be knowledgeable and able to manage the computation of taxes, compensation etc even though the company may engage consultants or outsource agencies to manage it. She also would expect the person to hold the fort for all matter in the Singapore office, hence must be able to answer to any questions or issues posed by the expatriates who expects HR to have the answer. For all these, I do agree with her. And clearly, I am not the person for the job - if she's looking for a Plug-and-Play. The job would be too big a shoe for me to fit in. Or, wrong shape.

Anyway, to cut the long story short, she did not indicate clearly if I "made it". She shared that it has been rather difficult to find good candidates who meet requirements and so far she has not come across any whom she thinks is good enough. Also, she has some negative opinions and observations about how Singapore employees tend to operate, which is very different from where she came from (Hong Kong). She asked me to consider carefully if I want to take up this challenge, and to write her an email tomorrow indicating my desire for the job. I was kinda surprised by that, because, it is rare for Employers to ask candidates to "think about it". I guess, she wants to gauge my hunger level while she continues to interview the other shortlisted candidates.

I have to be honest to myself.

I don't think this job is attractive on many counts.

What I like:

• I can start work immediately and money-money come!!
• The company operates in an interesting industry
• There is opportunities to learn and grow in my "career"
• Boss has an open direct and honest style and believes in growing and training people
• The role enables me to have flexibility and independence in exercising personal judgement and make decisions.

What I don't like:

• Job is challenging, expectations may be beyond my ability to perform
• Boss is demanding with high expectations, critical and little patience
• Boss is doubtful about my competencies and experience. No point working for someone who does not believe in me, neither do I want to become someone's mistake in selection.
• Long working hours are expected. The last Asst HR Manger on the job works till 11pm almost daily though the Boss felt it was not necessary. (I asked if she knew why the last AHRM needed to work so late and did she investigate why. She gave me a blank expression and told me she has no idea nor did she probe for the reason, other than just being given the answer by the ex-AHRM that she "has a lot of work to do". Hmmm..... I see some "issues" here which sends my warning bells ringing...)
• Salary & Benefits for this role (below managerial) is tagged to the blue collar industry, hence not very attractive
• There is no AWS or 13th month, and the variable bonus has not been paid out for the past 2 years because the industry is not doing so well
• Workspace is small and cramp - looks rather unpleasant & uncomfortable for the staff. Also a possible sign that "cost savings" is vital factor

Sigh... I guess, I should explore other opportunities rather than to grab this one out of desperation. I don't have a positive feeling about it and I probably should follow my "instincts". I don't want to have to quit one month later and feel like a failure.

I just hope that suitable opportunities matching my abilities and expectations would open up. I do see quite a few in the job market now, but somehow none of the applications sent out received a respond or lead to an interview appointment.

Nevertheless, I will not give up searching. And I must not be discouraged.

Life is a highway!

Love this song from CARS, the music just roll in my head for the past few days ever since I read the blog of a Singapore Taxi Driver who introduced it.

Hope you'll feel inspired by it too! ^_^

A Failure in her eyes

Another day out with mum which ended in a fight.

Words can kill and words can heal. Why is it almost every time that her words kill?

I got home and sobbed in the bathroom while taking a quick shower. Returned to my bedroom and cried my heart out for another round. Thanks to Kevin Kern, the soothing piano pieces brought back some peace to my soul.

Would mum ever be happy for me?

As far as I could remember, it is rare that anything I do, or I am, would be good enough for her. I guess, like most kids, I grew up yearning for my mum's approval. My brother has always been the better one. And me, the bitter one? Nah, I was not bitter, however, I know I was always second best or a failure in her eyes.

When I became a Christian, the love and acceptance of God healed me of that brokenness and need. I begin to find my personal identity and self acceptance. Nothing else matters anymore, other than what might be pleasing in God's eyes. I so wanted her to be proud of me, when I began to write songs and play music well - though she'll always remember my failure in not completing my piano lessons.

I don't blame her either. She loves me too, I know. She has hopes for me, and wants my life to turn out more fortunate than her own. But I always seem to fail her. I didn't do well in school days, but managed to complete my studies. Then, I started working and finally reached the level of a Manager, drawing a good salary - but short-lived. Now, I'm back to a failure, unable to secure a high paying job at a managerial level. On top of that, I am fat and unwanted and unhealthy, and so she thinks that prevented me from getting the attention of eligible bachelors. OK to be fair, she's not so shallow or materialistic, it's just her overly-concerned motherly love and hopes for me to marry well. She was happy last year when I put off 10kg and started looking quite attractive, but now, I'm a hippo.

What triggered off the fight today was our conversation after lunch. We went to Sunset Way for lunch and was just agreeing with each other on how ideal and nice that neighbourhood was. So she brought up the subject that according to recent reports, many young couples were unable to purchase HDB flats because they were unable to afford it due to rising prices. So she said, I should really plan for it with my bf quickly. I told her, it's not that we want to delay, but rather, we have our own issues to settle first - I need a stable job and income whilst Jeff has to settle his personal business matters. It takes time to save up as well. What pissed me off was when she remarked that I'll be in dire straits if I don't have a job because Jeff won't be able to provide for me, so I should consider ending it and find someone else before it is too late.

That's when I blow up. I accused her straight off for looking down on him, which she denied. She was being realistic and protective of my interests, and told me that any mother would have been disapproving of their daughter ending up with someone who would potentially make their daughter live in poverty and need. Moreover, if I were to become pregnant, I'll still have to work to support the family - and she feels sorry for herself that at her age she still have to work and earn a living whilst some of her sisters and friends who married well lived easier lives - especially my cousins, most of them married very well. So she wonders, why am I so unfortunate in every aspect? Jobless, no savings, poor health/fitness, and a bf that does not seem very successful or enterprising.

I jumped to Jeff's defence, of course. It is not fair for her to make those statements. She have not known him for the man he is, and since she was critical right from the start, there is no way she would ever try to see the good in him - it won't ever match up as long as she compares him to her benchmarks. Hence, I told her that nothing will ever be good enough for her. And I declare that it is unlikely that I will "go find someone new". Also, I told her, that I know that no matter how hard I try, I will never be good enough for her either. Some way or another, I'll always be a failure - and she usually would say that it is her own failure as a mother that I am in my state today.

Anyway, today's fight opened up old wounds. I have spent my youth in a strong inferiority complex, and probably the shame of the family whilst my brother is the shining star. He did well academically (he works very hard and was also under a lot of pressure to perform), went to University, and is now rather successful and recognised in his career. I am very very proud of him.. I love my darling brother very much.

I wish, I could have something to prove. But I don't.

I don't have savings.

I don't have any income because I don't have a job right now, and neither do I feel I have sufficient credentials to land another high paying high level position.

I don't have a rich & successful boyfriend to show off or to put her worries off - but I love Jeff and I believe we can build our life together though it may not be in luxury and glamorous living. Our life together can be simple joys and basic comfort. We will work out the problems together, and I am braced for it. Of course, it would be nice if he earns a fat income and I can just be a tai tai and spend money without any reservations, but I really don't feel that a person should be defined by what he earns, nor should happiness be defined by how much you can spend. Yea yea, money is not everything but you cannot do without it either. I know.

Whatever it is, I just hope that things will work out for me.

I felt so broken just now, confronted with the failure of my life. All the setbacks and disappointments. The pain of losing so much money and zero savings due to foolishness in my past - for lending beyond my means and ending up in a debt that took me almost 10years to clear. Now, I am debt free but still zero saving due to career woes. Losing my job or taken on the wrong ones and have to quit, as a result causing extreme worries to my parents, mum especially. Sigh...

I really want to walk out of this situation. I still believe and see the light at the end of the tunnel. I still see the glass half full. I still have the courage to march on, come what may. I still have not given up on myself despite the failures that come one after another. I just hope that God would be merciful and gracious to me, and open the way for me to walk again on higher grounds.

I still count my blessings. I will not let this get me down. I fought too hard to be the person I am today. I have to be extra KNS and have extra faith in myself in order not to fall into inferiority complex. I have to be extra optimistic in order not to let those around me who are negative drag me down. I have to be my own cheerleader and be the one who is most loving towards myself. I will have to speak words of life to myself when others speak fear and destruction.

Things will get better. I believe it. So shall it be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As usual, once I've calmed down and cooled off, I'll send an apology for the words I've said to mum. Yes, its eating humble pie, but she's my only mother and she said those things out of love. Though I wish she could take things more optimistically and not be so uptight and neurotic, I would have to accept her as who she is, as much as I hope to be accepted for who I am.

Sigh...

Regular Bird Talk

Was chatting with BeeBee the other day about blogging, and suggested that when we donno what we wanna write, a good idea would be just to write the first 10 random thoughts that came to our mind. In order to practice what I preach, I'm gonna do that now!!

(1) Job Hunt

So far, the job hunt has been rather active and I've been contacted by a few recruitment agencies for potential jobs. Other than the one with the Flavours & Fragrance industry - which turned up silent, I've only been to one more company for job interview last Thursday. The company is in the airlines products & services industry and the job is for a replacement of the Assistant HR Manager who is leaving end of October. I've cleared the initial screening feeling very positive and enthusiastic about the potential job. However, the next day, after a phone interview from their HR Manager from Hong Kong, I have second thoughts. The picture painted was entirely different and caution bells started ringing. In addition, I need to do a HR Proficiency test that really stressed me out because a few of the questions are too technical or advanced for my knowledge & experience. I felt kinda lousy about the inadequacy but was pleasantly surprised today when I was told I did well on the written but need improvement for the technical questions. So, I passed the stages and am invited for a final interview tomorrow morning - will see how it goes. There's lots to consider regarding this job and I have my reservations...

(2) Neck strain

Urgh~ the back strain was gone not long ago and now I got myself a very bad stiff neck. Not sure how it got so severe - I could hardly turn my head or move without throbbing pain that felt like toothache on the neck and shoulder blades. Even my jaw feels retarded and it affected my speech. At times I felt nausea too! I suspect it must have been made worse last Friday due to all the stress when I was rushing to complete the HR proficiency test for the job interview. Before that, I already had a little bit of stiff neck starting up most likely due to bad posture leaning over the laptop for long hours at my desk. Went for Tui-Na treatment massage yesterday and paid another S$400 for a 10-hours package. The condition did not seem to have improve, so I'm applying the heat packs now and hope it'll help some how. I hope it'll be much better by tomorrow, because I don't wanna be like a zombie at the interview!

(3) Dating Anniversary

Time flies, and this Saturday, Oct 11th would mark the 1st year anniversary since Jeff sent me his love letter applying to be my boyfriend (Application for PR in my Heart) and I agree to start dating him first before considering a relationship, haha! Looking back, it has been quite romantic. Jeff has won my heart in so many endearing ways and have been consistent in his affection and concern. Though we have our ups and downs and differences, our relationship has been overall , a positive and growing one. I am grateful for his love and long suffering, wahaha! Hopefully this weekend we can have a celebration together. We've been rather busy or exhausted from daily toils of life, and our health has been quite bad - having flu, cough or all sorts of pains in the body. Signs of aging? haha!

(4) Jeff's 1 year Smoke Free Anniversary

Speaking of anniversaries, it was also Jeff's 1st year "Smoke-Free" anniversary on 23rd Sep 09. I think this was the biggest sacrifice he made that moved me to the core. It is certainly not easy for anyone to just quit smoking overnight and never light up again. Jeff shared with me sometimes he would have nightmares of lighting up and smoking and the immediate bulks of guilt and failure that fill his soul, only to wake up with cold sweat and realised its been a bad dream. Awww... poor baby. Though Jeff did not quit smoking entirely for me (he did it for himself as well - for health and cost savings reasons, haha~!), I will always be grateful that he quit smoking in order to be "eligible" to be my potential boyfriend, hahahaha!! That's because I once told him casually (when we were still "just friends") that I'll never consider a Smoker because I am allergic and super-resistant to the cigarette smoke fumes. I'm very proud of his achievement and endurance, and I hope he will continue to gain health and fitness as a result. Happy Smoke Free Anniversary, Darling!

(5) Finances

Kinda shocking to realise that in this year alone, I've only worked for 3 months (and at a low pay). How to survive that??! And right now I'm living on what's left of my final pay and if I don't get an income soon I'll have to start converting my $5 notes collection and some other sentimental savings (e.g. Ang Pow money collection). Or, to terminate monthly recurring expenses like SCV Channels, Broadband, Mobile phone, Insurance etc. Or, I'll have to borrow from my parents. NO WAY!! I really hope I don't have to come down to that state. Sigh.....even my dear brother is helping to pay the Maid's levy. Sobsob... In the meanwhile, I've signed on to a "Make money online" site and paid USD25 to enrol into a Online Survey network thingie. Supposedly, if I sign up with different market survey companies and participate in their invitation to do online consumer surveys, I can earn $$$. I participated in a few so far but finds it rather time consuming and tedious. However, it is a good experience as well. Each survey can take 30-40mins of my time depending on the length and content, and the reward is around USD5 each, which would eventually be paid into my paypal account. I've not done enough surveys to get paid, I think. But I'll still try to do more and test out this source of income. I have not figured out how to be paid in SGD yet. I won't know what to do with a USD cheque drawn to my name!

(6) Books

With the spare time as Miss Singapore Idle, I am glad to have the pleasure of reading books from my favorite author, Terry Pratchett. Picked up the book "Bromeliad" from the North Point National Library and had a wonderful time chuckling and smiling away with the wordplay and witty lines from the book. Too bad I didn't get to finish the book though, it was overdue and I have to return it in order to avoid paying fines. Grrrr... in the end, I still hadda pay 15cents fine for 1 day's overdue. Wanted to re-borrow the book but it was not available at the Bukit Batok branch. Nevermind, will hunt for it again soon. So then, I picked out 2 more books. I'm now reading "The lost diaries of Adrian Mole" by Sue Townsend, and another book by Nora Roberts titled "Angel's Fist". I love Nora Robert's books too!!! She's a great author for romance, suspense & thriller novels.

(7) Kilograms

Hehehe... still unsuccessful in losing weight. Have managed to kill about 2kgs but it seems to just jump back up to nearly 70kg again. Well, discouraging, but not a surprise to me at least. I know I've not been dieting or exercising enough to see an impact. But, really, for the sake of health and fitness, I need to kill 10kgs in order to function normally again. The knees and ankles have begun their complains, and I do feel the lethargies of an overweight hippo. Back problems are reoccurring and that makes me worried as well. Yea, I got mum, dad, Jeff worried over my weight issues too. Mum and dad has been rather annoying in their nagging and reminders, and Jeff is wise to keep a low profile on this matter knowing he doesn't want an attack from an angry hog. Sigh.. must try harder.

(8) Facebook

I guess I'm officially addicted to Facebook. It is where I spent most of my free times during weekdays, in between online job searches and other daily activities. I could play the addictive Bejeweled Blitz game for hours trying to beat the higher scores, do visits in Pet Society to earn coins, do illegal jobs & gangs fights in Mob Wars etc. hahahaha... Also, it's kinda nice to keep up with what friends are sharing in their pages. I just hope that I'll get a job soon to keep me busy with the right things, rather than to while away my time on Facebook every day.

(9) TV

Years ago, I was a TV Addict, haha! That's before I started online chats and network sites. Then for at least 3 years I literally don't watch TV programs anymore due to working late or internet activities... Right now, or rather this year, I have time on hand and a new TV in my room, my TV addiction was rekindled. hahaha!!! Well, not so bad lah, its just that I now have the luxury to catch up on TV programs. So lately, I've been watching and following the Singapore Idol, Survivor : Samoa, Project Runway, America's Next Top Model, CSI, Monk, Dexter, and many other TV series on local channel and SCV Cable channels. Life is good!

(10) So much to do, so little time

Yea, I'm the queen of procrastination... haha! I really must spend less time online and begin to clear all the boxes in the living room from my ex-offices. I have lots of reference materials for HR work, the office supplies I bought and brought to use at work, the books and display items etc. which I have nowhere to store in my room. So they've been sitting outside and mum has been nagging about it periodically. I can't really throw them because I might need them for my new job. In other to make room for them, I'll have to do some more spring cleaning and throw stuff out. Have done some "moving and reorganising" recently because of the air-con flooding, and I was glad to have Jeff's help. I must plan again to settle these things before I start a new job. My bad! hahahaha!!

Ok, 1o things already. Supposed to be 10 random sentences and it became 10 paragraphs. Nevetheless, its been fun just blogging. I love writing!! Too bad I dont know how to earn money with it. Yea, I know about Nuffnang and Adsense stuff, but I doubt my blog would be of any interest to people to generate income.

Last thought:

I hope that my neck strain will be gone by tomorrow morning, and I hope that the interview will go well and be offered the position. I hope that whatever I learn from tomorrow's interview would be positive and I would be happy to accept the job offer without much hesitation and reservation. I hope they would be able to pay me at a reasonable rate too. All the best!!!!

Not your usual Quotes - So cheeky!

Haha... this came in my email today and I chuckled over a few of them. Hope this bring you a smile or two as you read it too! Damn~ I missed all these witty wacky stuff!!

NOT YOUR USUAL QUOTES:

Money is not everything. There's Master & Visa.

One should love animals. They are so tasty.

Save water. Shower with your girlfriend.

Love the neighbor. But don't get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise one never marry, And when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.

Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.

"Your future depends on your dreams." So go to sleep.

There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.

"Hard work never killed anybody." But why take the risk?

"Work fascinates me." I can look at it for hours!

When two's company, three's the result!