A Failure in her eyes

Another day out with mum which ended in a fight.

Words can kill and words can heal. Why is it almost every time that her words kill?

I got home and sobbed in the bathroom while taking a quick shower. Returned to my bedroom and cried my heart out for another round. Thanks to Kevin Kern, the soothing piano pieces brought back some peace to my soul.

Would mum ever be happy for me?

As far as I could remember, it is rare that anything I do, or I am, would be good enough for her. I guess, like most kids, I grew up yearning for my mum's approval. My brother has always been the better one. And me, the bitter one? Nah, I was not bitter, however, I know I was always second best or a failure in her eyes.

When I became a Christian, the love and acceptance of God healed me of that brokenness and need. I begin to find my personal identity and self acceptance. Nothing else matters anymore, other than what might be pleasing in God's eyes. I so wanted her to be proud of me, when I began to write songs and play music well - though she'll always remember my failure in not completing my piano lessons.

I don't blame her either. She loves me too, I know. She has hopes for me, and wants my life to turn out more fortunate than her own. But I always seem to fail her. I didn't do well in school days, but managed to complete my studies. Then, I started working and finally reached the level of a Manager, drawing a good salary - but short-lived. Now, I'm back to a failure, unable to secure a high paying job at a managerial level. On top of that, I am fat and unwanted and unhealthy, and so she thinks that prevented me from getting the attention of eligible bachelors. OK to be fair, she's not so shallow or materialistic, it's just her overly-concerned motherly love and hopes for me to marry well. She was happy last year when I put off 10kg and started looking quite attractive, but now, I'm a hippo.

What triggered off the fight today was our conversation after lunch. We went to Sunset Way for lunch and was just agreeing with each other on how ideal and nice that neighbourhood was. So she brought up the subject that according to recent reports, many young couples were unable to purchase HDB flats because they were unable to afford it due to rising prices. So she said, I should really plan for it with my bf quickly. I told her, it's not that we want to delay, but rather, we have our own issues to settle first - I need a stable job and income whilst Jeff has to settle his personal business matters. It takes time to save up as well. What pissed me off was when she remarked that I'll be in dire straits if I don't have a job because Jeff won't be able to provide for me, so I should consider ending it and find someone else before it is too late.

That's when I blow up. I accused her straight off for looking down on him, which she denied. She was being realistic and protective of my interests, and told me that any mother would have been disapproving of their daughter ending up with someone who would potentially make their daughter live in poverty and need. Moreover, if I were to become pregnant, I'll still have to work to support the family - and she feels sorry for herself that at her age she still have to work and earn a living whilst some of her sisters and friends who married well lived easier lives - especially my cousins, most of them married very well. So she wonders, why am I so unfortunate in every aspect? Jobless, no savings, poor health/fitness, and a bf that does not seem very successful or enterprising.

I jumped to Jeff's defence, of course. It is not fair for her to make those statements. She have not known him for the man he is, and since she was critical right from the start, there is no way she would ever try to see the good in him - it won't ever match up as long as she compares him to her benchmarks. Hence, I told her that nothing will ever be good enough for her. And I declare that it is unlikely that I will "go find someone new". Also, I told her, that I know that no matter how hard I try, I will never be good enough for her either. Some way or another, I'll always be a failure - and she usually would say that it is her own failure as a mother that I am in my state today.

Anyway, today's fight opened up old wounds. I have spent my youth in a strong inferiority complex, and probably the shame of the family whilst my brother is the shining star. He did well academically (he works very hard and was also under a lot of pressure to perform), went to University, and is now rather successful and recognised in his career. I am very very proud of him.. I love my darling brother very much.

I wish, I could have something to prove. But I don't.

I don't have savings.

I don't have any income because I don't have a job right now, and neither do I feel I have sufficient credentials to land another high paying high level position.

I don't have a rich & successful boyfriend to show off or to put her worries off - but I love Jeff and I believe we can build our life together though it may not be in luxury and glamorous living. Our life together can be simple joys and basic comfort. We will work out the problems together, and I am braced for it. Of course, it would be nice if he earns a fat income and I can just be a tai tai and spend money without any reservations, but I really don't feel that a person should be defined by what he earns, nor should happiness be defined by how much you can spend. Yea yea, money is not everything but you cannot do without it either. I know.

Whatever it is, I just hope that things will work out for me.

I felt so broken just now, confronted with the failure of my life. All the setbacks and disappointments. The pain of losing so much money and zero savings due to foolishness in my past - for lending beyond my means and ending up in a debt that took me almost 10years to clear. Now, I am debt free but still zero saving due to career woes. Losing my job or taken on the wrong ones and have to quit, as a result causing extreme worries to my parents, mum especially. Sigh...

I really want to walk out of this situation. I still believe and see the light at the end of the tunnel. I still see the glass half full. I still have the courage to march on, come what may. I still have not given up on myself despite the failures that come one after another. I just hope that God would be merciful and gracious to me, and open the way for me to walk again on higher grounds.

I still count my blessings. I will not let this get me down. I fought too hard to be the person I am today. I have to be extra KNS and have extra faith in myself in order not to fall into inferiority complex. I have to be extra optimistic in order not to let those around me who are negative drag me down. I have to be my own cheerleader and be the one who is most loving towards myself. I will have to speak words of life to myself when others speak fear and destruction.

Things will get better. I believe it. So shall it be.

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As usual, once I've calmed down and cooled off, I'll send an apology for the words I've said to mum. Yes, its eating humble pie, but she's my only mother and she said those things out of love. Though I wish she could take things more optimistically and not be so uptight and neurotic, I would have to accept her as who she is, as much as I hope to be accepted for who I am.

Sigh...