Changes

CHANGES.

I feel, its time to call for MAJOR CHANGES in my life.
I need to do some critical evaluation and decide what to do.

Work has taken its toll on me.
I've neglected my family, my friends who are close to my heart, my personal life and health.
Time to do something about it. Really really do something about it.
Time to decide what matters, and what don't.
Time to move on and do what is right for me.

(=.=) .... sigh...

Am sick and on MC for 3 days since Monday.
MC = Medical Certificate and meant "Sick Leave" in Singapore, not "Menstrual Cycle" as asked by my foreign exboss once, when he was informed that an employee's having MC for the day. (I had a good laugh!!!!)

I'm on sick leave for a couple of reasons, mainly because I was bitten by some insects - suspected Sandflies - altogether about 12 red angry bites, on the feet and lower back. Don't know how it happened and where it happened. But during the weekend I paid a visit to the new Marina Barage, and was also at my ex-company's BBQ event held at Bayshore Park Condo. Took a walk and sat down somewhere for a chat, and possibly there may have been a pile of sand or soil infested with sandflies ???!!??? -_- sigh.. i'll never really know.

Anyway, the bites kept me up awake and scratching all night on Sunday, and somehow developed fever. Saw doctor on Monday and went home with a load of medication. Of which, was a bottle of Lice Lotion, to be applied all over the body after shower, and to let it dry on the skin naturally, and not to wash or bathe within the next 24 hours. hummmff... that's kinda disturbing, because it was suspected that I might have lice or some kinda skin parasite biting me. Worst, all beddings gotta be washed and if possible, family members should also be protected by having the lotion applied. Wah lauuuuuuuuuuuu~!!!!!!! Scary siah~!!!!

Doc also gave me Augmentin to treat the infections, as well to target the scalp acne breakouts possibly due to stress. Sigh.. my body's really breaking down due to burning out and stress. I was also given Atarax, for helping me to sleep in view of the itchings. I took one on monday night before sleeping - and thanks to it, I was fully drugged and woozy for the entire Tuesday. I could only wake and manage to make my way to the toilet to pee once in the morning, woke up again at noon when dad asked me about lunch - which I told him I was too giddy to move out of bed.. and finally, around 6pm, I was able to get out of bed, still feeling drugged and blur, but able to see straight and read words on screen.

Work.
Work. work. work.
Sigh.... this is one major problem.

On Monday night, I returned to office despite feeling unwell, to sort out a few matters and take my office laptop so I can work from home. Also, I have a conference all with Europe at 10pm which lasted an hour, and after that called one my CFO lady boss because more urgent data has been requested and needs to be submitted by the next afternoon (Tuesday)! FUCK!!!!!! I'm on sick leave, and I'm not well and how do I manage it????? Sigh..... I felt totally helpless, yet knows that I'm holding a managerial position and that is expected of me.

Stress kept me up a little till i popped the Atarax pill - Never did I expect that I can't see straight the next day, ho ho ho... and so, can't submit the data.

After the late breakfast+lunch at 6pm (mum woke me up and got me out to the coffeeshop to eat something), I logged on to work. No data has come in for me, and finally around 9pm, my CFO lady boss sent me 2 emails that didnt include the data, but told me to have to make sure i check this against that, and i need to get this or that data from another person. F%$#&!!!!!!! I was pissed off!!!!! I mean, please let me have the data so i can meet the deadline, there is no time to check this and check that!!!! Stop all the politics!!! ..... yet, the politics are necessary... to save jobs. Sigh.....

Anyway, i feel so lost. Lost in all these. And indeed, I feel discouraged again. I really DO NOT enjoy my job anymore. In fact, I feel that i am starting to resent it, and thats not good. I prefer things more straightforward and clear cut. And if being a manager means playing with all these ambiguity, then, I'd rather downgrade and take on something lighter. Fuck potential! Fuck all the "loss". It's really not worth it. I'm really unhappy!!!

To makes things worse..... today (Wednesday), I started having diarrhea~!!! (-_-)"
Started about 5am, together with more itches with the bites, and a worsen sinus infection. Called Doc and was told it could be due to side effects of the antibiotics. Oh well, if that's the case, then I'm not too worried. Called my lady boss again, and she didnt sound happy. Well, i dont blame her... yet, i don't feel good about the tone of her voice. I asked her again for the data because I've asked for extended deadline of 1 more day from Europe HQ and absolutely would need to send the report in. Again, instead of sending me the figures she wants me to do some analysis checks. This time, I felt really difficult... because I am really not feeling so well, I dont feel i am able to do analysis work. Somehow, she mumbled something about checking something herself and will call me back. Till now, i've not heard from her. I will call her soon, right after I pour this frustration out of my mind.

Talked to ET for a little while, and received some words of wisdom and affirmation from her. I really needed that.

Right now, I think... I will actively seek new employment.
I will be open to short term positions.
I will take on jobs that pay me a lower (much much lower) salary, but at least give me my work-life balance back.

And I should do so before Christmas.

My probation period is up on 30 Dec. Before confirmation is 1 week's notice. After confirmation will be 2 months' notice... it will be highly difficult to leave.

I dread that by doing so, I will add to the present crisis, and will be letting a few people down - especially The Dutch boss, who had believed in me. Sigh.. the CFO Lady boss has been kind as well, but I really have to "Shut Up, Move On". It's not their fault, I will take on the responsibility. I feel it is a job mismatch perhaps? Really, I feel that I am unable to cope with the stress that comes with a managerial position in this company. I am tired, I am feeling burnout, and I am not happy with my performance.

Time to tighten my belt, cut on expenses. I will be expecting a big paycut for my next job. But I think, I will be happier, and will get to work more decent hours. I look forward to being able to plan my time again and having some freedom without the burden that is constantly on my back - that something's still not done, and its not done because i have no fucking idea how to do it, and I'm too tired to think about it now. I want to leave that behind.

Enough time giving this job a try. The challenge has proven overwhelming, and I should be honest enough to admit defeat. The hardest part is letting go - of the "glamour", of the "personal office room", of the comfortable salary (nah, its never enough, I'd love to be paid more - but can I deliver and perform what's expected?). Also, I just hope the bosses don't try to hold me back again, but let me go. I think, in the present time and situation, they should make me redundant, LOL! Yes, it will be cheap because I'm too new in the company to be paid any severance benefit.

Ok, now, back to work. At least I've sort out some thoughts here.

Not sure how things will pan out again. I might just be too negative or pessimistic at the moment. But honestly, I really do think that I will not regret leaving this job, though it is stupid to do such a thing during an economic downturn and when most company has freezed their hiring, especially for General & Admin functional positions. Sigh.......

I should do the right thing for myself.

The company is good, just job does not fit me - I don't fit the job.

A funny car sign I found says :
"BORN TO PARTY -- FORCED TO WORK"

How true!!!!! hahahaa!!