Undecisive

Have been pondering a whole lot on a decision regarding my job. Asking myself questions after questions, considering the consequences, talking to close pals and wise old people. However, I've still not come to any conclusion. My mind kept changing, and I have mixed feelings.

Lately, I have begun feeling endless frustrations, and am highly irriatable and coming to a certain breaking point, finding it hard to tolerate anymore. Well, this would have been the 3rd time I've burnout and reached breaking point since I started work here. It's coming to six months... and at this point I just don't think it will get any better for me in this role.

Am I making too big a deal out of the situations?

I just know I no longer look at things positively, nor I do feel positive. I tried to motivate myself, I read some self-help books too, but... hehehe.. somehow I am finding it hard to apply the principles. Or rather, the unwillingness grows.

It is no longer a joy, and neither is it fun. Neither do I feel I am making positive contributions. Where is the satisfaction that comes with a job well done? I had enough. Really. And I've been saying " I HAD ENOUGH!" more and more often.

So, when do I take the action?
I've set the deadline to make the decision by next week, and yet now, I am thinking of bringing it forward to even today. That feels too impulsive. But how can it be impulsive when I've been seriously considering it for almost a month?

Well, some people I talked to said.. just take a break and you'll be fine. However, I feel that after the break, I probably won't wanna return, LOL. After a refreshing shower, I wouldn't wanna wear back the sour smelling clothes if I can help it, or go straight back to some smelly hole.

Sigh... but really, I keep trying to remind myself : Things are only as bad as you choose to see it. If I choose to see things more positively, perhaps it will be bearable.
If I don't take work seriously, perhaps it is fine to be "lost" and not doing an excellent job.
If I don't really care about performance, perhaps it if fine if all my bosses are frustrated and unhappy with how I suck at my job and finds me incompetent.

But, I mind.
I derive satisfaction and motivation from a job well done, and need to feel that I am contributing.

I guess, I am guilty of being too self-critical and places too high an expectation on myself.
Oh dear.. so then what do i do??? What would be the right thing to do??


And how about finances?
Can I cope with the minimal savings?
Can I find something new and comparable?
Am I making a foolish decision?
Are things really that bad or is it just me?

I think, it is me.
And that is good enough reason, perhaps.
I really don't wanna be blaming every other damn thing in the world.
Oops, self-blame is not exactly healthy either, LOL!

Anyway, I have to decide what makes me happy.

There is definitely something good and beautiful here, but that is only about 30% of it. The rest of it - the remaining 70% - is what drives me crazy, enough to leave me fuming, frustrated and in anguish - frequently.

Yea yea.. I still think its me.
Yet, it is probably just a mismatch in culture and mismatch in job.
Everyone is cut out for different roles and have different preferences and style.
I just have to admit that it is not working out for me here.

Sigh.

I will still wait till next week, and take a few more days to think about it, I guess.

I have a feeling, a bad feeling that next week will again be chaotic. It might make it harder for me to make a decision. :(

I guess, I don't wanna spoil anyone's long weekend by triggering it today either. I will aim for mid week to break the news next week - provided I've made the final decision.

I'd be a happier person soon. I'm optimistic about that, at least. :)
I will (hopefully) go to the gym, go swim, go for walks - to get back in shape, lose some fats.
I will (hopefully) go for short holidays, go spa, go massage, go for medi & pedicure, go pamper myself.
I will (hopefully) clear up the clutter in my room, which for a long time I have had no time to give it any attention.
I will (hopefully) spend quality time with my love ones and close friends, and fulfill the promises I have given to catch up and get more involve with life.
I will (hopefully) take up some courses or go learn something new, of interest, pick up a new skill.

Then, go seek a new employer. Lesser pay, nevermind. Lower rank, nevermind.
As long as I can be happy.

Ok, daydreaming over.

And now, to get back to work. =_=