Starting a new job!!!

YEY!!!! I'm starting a new job tomorrow!!! 1st December 2009.

Finally!

2 weeks ago I was contacted for an interview. It was for a HR Manager position at a local Sports Club. I'll call it the KKKK* - for urrrmm.... confidentiality purposes, because I am not sure about how seriously the Company treats matters as employees blogging about their work & office! Hence I better not spell the name of it in full in case it was googled, haha!

For the past month from 26 Oct till 27 Nov, I've been working part time at GZ as a temp HR Admin staff. It has been the best working days of the year, considering that I've only worked 3 months at the Cosmetics Company. I am so grateful for the temp job at GZ because the pay, though humble, helped pay my critical bills and tide me through. Moreover, I have so many "angels" at GZ who have been my best friends and close buddies - I was so well taken cared of and made to feel at home there. Deep inside, I wished I could work permanently for GZ should any position open up.

However, I am also grateful that after 2 interviews, I was offered the position at KKKK and at a comfy salary. It will not be a bed of roses and the job will have its challenges, but I am very positive about it and hope that the job will be enjoyable and a career that may last me for years, providing me with job security and income stability. And importantly, IT'S A HR JOB!!!!!!!! (No more Secretarial bullshit for me!!!!!!)

So, tonight, I just wanna pen these happy thoughts down and then get on with preparing for tomorrow, and have an early night.

TOMORROW'S GONNA BE A GREAT DAY!!!!!!!!!!!! ^_^

* KKKK (Kinkapore Krick Kret Krub)

Believe in love, Together

As Jeff and I begin planning for our future together, I just wanna state this:

I will be brave and have courage to press on and make it happen together with him.

Despite anymore resistance and unnecessary negative or pessimistic opinions of my mum, I will believe in my happiness and future with Jeff.

I am surrounded with friends and love ones who fully support us and I believe that things will work out in the end. Love will triumph.

But I must be strong to stand through it. My heart will be strong, I will not allow anything to tear me down. The more challenges come my way, the deeper I will dig my heels into the ground and brave through it.

I just wished that it doesn't need to be so difficult or unbearable.

As of now, I can't wait to be free and live my life with Jeff and create our own world and enjoy our own space. Though we did not yet have the plan and steps all thought out, but I believe that together we can will be able to work things out.

We do have some obstacles now, financially, but I hope that in the coming 6 months we will be able to iron out the issues. We may not have a lot of cash to spare, and we may not be able to afford a lot of comfort, but I do believe that life will not be too bad either.

This may just be yet another emotional moment bcos of the unpleasant conversations I (again) had with mum, but I'm sure in the morning, things would be alright. We'd probably have forgotten what we've said. However, my heart is set. NO ONE WILL STOP ME.

Yes, I am stubborn, and I just have to be able to make my own mistakes and live with it, right?

I really don't want to have to proof anything to her. I only wished that she can be happy for me. Sigh.. What a wet blanket.

I am soooOOOOOO pissed off I won't be able to sleep tonight. Grrrrrr~!!!

My true love, Jeff

I love Jeff.

Its as simple as that.

He has been the one who was there for me.. in my most difficult moments, and he's been there by my side since the day he took the courage to woo me.

Since then, he has always been consistently caring, loving, pampering, supportive and sweet.

He sends me an sms every morning.

He calls me every night.

He spends time with me every weekend.

He puts up with all my nonsense.... ok.. most of my nonsense. I'm not an easy bitch to handle.

He has been the only guy so far who has proven his love and faithfulness to me.

There is no other reason why I would not marry him when the time comes.

And most of all, I believe things will work out between the both of us.

He is the most wonderful and sincere man, whom I know I can depend on.

I love you darling, thank you for loving me.

.... and thanks for the Carlsberg Special Brew 8.8% which inspired me to post this. hahaha....

Muacks~!

Wrong shoe for me!

Got up early this morning for the final interview.

Mum was very kind to send me to the office location at Alexandra Road and I was there at 9.30am, half an hour early. So, I bought myself a hearty cup of Americano at Starbucks and sat down for a slow drink while reading my thriller noval by Nora Roberts.

Went up to the office 5mins before time and was attended to by an attractive long hair lady. Shortly, I was informed that the Regional HR Director is on a conference call and so I waited for approx 25 mins at the Reception Area. It was a nicely decorated space which also functions as the pantry, with a nice set of sofa furnished like a living room with a wonderful view overlooking the Pasir Panjang coast. I stood at the glass wall and enjoyed the view for awhile, and then sat down to continue with reading. Glad I brought the book along.

Today, I went armed with the objective to find out all I can about the job and the expectations directly from the potential boss, as well as to see if she would be someone I can imagine working with. Also, I hope to have a chance to see the office and to have a feel of the work environment and culture if possible.

I was glad when the Interviewer - the Regional HR Director - came to receive me and took me to her office for the interview instead of holding it at the huge conference meeting room. She seems friendly and approachable, dressed plainly in a jacket and pants with no makeup on. Walking through the office, I managed to get a good take of the office setup - a very open office with small workstations and very low partitions, literally no privacy unless you are of managerial level sitting at workstations with slightly higher partitions. Only the Director level sit in rooms that are also rather small, in my opinion. Generally, the office seems messy and cluttered.

The interview lasted slightly more than an hour. During which, the Interviewer was quite honest with me in her assessment of my capabilities and experience. She revealed that she was not too impressed with my competencies nor was she interested to interview me when she was first presented with my CV. (-_-") However, upon receiving positive feedback from both the Asst HR Manager and the Hong Kong HR Manager, she decided to meet me - it seems, they like my personality, despite the fact that I am not as experienced and qualified as other candidates.

She also explained to me her concerns and the importance of having someone who is very well versed with the latest changes in labour employment laws of Singapore as well as keeping oneself up to date with all the latest practices and regulations in the HR Field, for all markets/regions especially Singapore. She also require the person to be knowledgeable and able to manage the computation of taxes, compensation etc even though the company may engage consultants or outsource agencies to manage it. She also would expect the person to hold the fort for all matter in the Singapore office, hence must be able to answer to any questions or issues posed by the expatriates who expects HR to have the answer. For all these, I do agree with her. And clearly, I am not the person for the job - if she's looking for a Plug-and-Play. The job would be too big a shoe for me to fit in. Or, wrong shape.

Anyway, to cut the long story short, she did not indicate clearly if I "made it". She shared that it has been rather difficult to find good candidates who meet requirements and so far she has not come across any whom she thinks is good enough. Also, she has some negative opinions and observations about how Singapore employees tend to operate, which is very different from where she came from (Hong Kong). She asked me to consider carefully if I want to take up this challenge, and to write her an email tomorrow indicating my desire for the job. I was kinda surprised by that, because, it is rare for Employers to ask candidates to "think about it". I guess, she wants to gauge my hunger level while she continues to interview the other shortlisted candidates.

I have to be honest to myself.

I don't think this job is attractive on many counts.

What I like:

• I can start work immediately and money-money come!!
• The company operates in an interesting industry
• There is opportunities to learn and grow in my "career"
• Boss has an open direct and honest style and believes in growing and training people
• The role enables me to have flexibility and independence in exercising personal judgement and make decisions.

What I don't like:

• Job is challenging, expectations may be beyond my ability to perform
• Boss is demanding with high expectations, critical and little patience
• Boss is doubtful about my competencies and experience. No point working for someone who does not believe in me, neither do I want to become someone's mistake in selection.
• Long working hours are expected. The last Asst HR Manger on the job works till 11pm almost daily though the Boss felt it was not necessary. (I asked if she knew why the last AHRM needed to work so late and did she investigate why. She gave me a blank expression and told me she has no idea nor did she probe for the reason, other than just being given the answer by the ex-AHRM that she "has a lot of work to do". Hmmm..... I see some "issues" here which sends my warning bells ringing...)
• Salary & Benefits for this role (below managerial) is tagged to the blue collar industry, hence not very attractive
• There is no AWS or 13th month, and the variable bonus has not been paid out for the past 2 years because the industry is not doing so well
• Workspace is small and cramp - looks rather unpleasant & uncomfortable for the staff. Also a possible sign that "cost savings" is vital factor

Sigh... I guess, I should explore other opportunities rather than to grab this one out of desperation. I don't have a positive feeling about it and I probably should follow my "instincts". I don't want to have to quit one month later and feel like a failure.

I just hope that suitable opportunities matching my abilities and expectations would open up. I do see quite a few in the job market now, but somehow none of the applications sent out received a respond or lead to an interview appointment.

Nevertheless, I will not give up searching. And I must not be discouraged.

Life is a highway!

Love this song from CARS, the music just roll in my head for the past few days ever since I read the blog of a Singapore Taxi Driver who introduced it.

Hope you'll feel inspired by it too! ^_^

A Failure in her eyes

Another day out with mum which ended in a fight.

Words can kill and words can heal. Why is it almost every time that her words kill?

I got home and sobbed in the bathroom while taking a quick shower. Returned to my bedroom and cried my heart out for another round. Thanks to Kevin Kern, the soothing piano pieces brought back some peace to my soul.

Would mum ever be happy for me?

As far as I could remember, it is rare that anything I do, or I am, would be good enough for her. I guess, like most kids, I grew up yearning for my mum's approval. My brother has always been the better one. And me, the bitter one? Nah, I was not bitter, however, I know I was always second best or a failure in her eyes.

When I became a Christian, the love and acceptance of God healed me of that brokenness and need. I begin to find my personal identity and self acceptance. Nothing else matters anymore, other than what might be pleasing in God's eyes. I so wanted her to be proud of me, when I began to write songs and play music well - though she'll always remember my failure in not completing my piano lessons.

I don't blame her either. She loves me too, I know. She has hopes for me, and wants my life to turn out more fortunate than her own. But I always seem to fail her. I didn't do well in school days, but managed to complete my studies. Then, I started working and finally reached the level of a Manager, drawing a good salary - but short-lived. Now, I'm back to a failure, unable to secure a high paying job at a managerial level. On top of that, I am fat and unwanted and unhealthy, and so she thinks that prevented me from getting the attention of eligible bachelors. OK to be fair, she's not so shallow or materialistic, it's just her overly-concerned motherly love and hopes for me to marry well. She was happy last year when I put off 10kg and started looking quite attractive, but now, I'm a hippo.

What triggered off the fight today was our conversation after lunch. We went to Sunset Way for lunch and was just agreeing with each other on how ideal and nice that neighbourhood was. So she brought up the subject that according to recent reports, many young couples were unable to purchase HDB flats because they were unable to afford it due to rising prices. So she said, I should really plan for it with my bf quickly. I told her, it's not that we want to delay, but rather, we have our own issues to settle first - I need a stable job and income whilst Jeff has to settle his personal business matters. It takes time to save up as well. What pissed me off was when she remarked that I'll be in dire straits if I don't have a job because Jeff won't be able to provide for me, so I should consider ending it and find someone else before it is too late.

That's when I blow up. I accused her straight off for looking down on him, which she denied. She was being realistic and protective of my interests, and told me that any mother would have been disapproving of their daughter ending up with someone who would potentially make their daughter live in poverty and need. Moreover, if I were to become pregnant, I'll still have to work to support the family - and she feels sorry for herself that at her age she still have to work and earn a living whilst some of her sisters and friends who married well lived easier lives - especially my cousins, most of them married very well. So she wonders, why am I so unfortunate in every aspect? Jobless, no savings, poor health/fitness, and a bf that does not seem very successful or enterprising.

I jumped to Jeff's defence, of course. It is not fair for her to make those statements. She have not known him for the man he is, and since she was critical right from the start, there is no way she would ever try to see the good in him - it won't ever match up as long as she compares him to her benchmarks. Hence, I told her that nothing will ever be good enough for her. And I declare that it is unlikely that I will "go find someone new". Also, I told her, that I know that no matter how hard I try, I will never be good enough for her either. Some way or another, I'll always be a failure - and she usually would say that it is her own failure as a mother that I am in my state today.

Anyway, today's fight opened up old wounds. I have spent my youth in a strong inferiority complex, and probably the shame of the family whilst my brother is the shining star. He did well academically (he works very hard and was also under a lot of pressure to perform), went to University, and is now rather successful and recognised in his career. I am very very proud of him.. I love my darling brother very much.

I wish, I could have something to prove. But I don't.

I don't have savings.

I don't have any income because I don't have a job right now, and neither do I feel I have sufficient credentials to land another high paying high level position.

I don't have a rich & successful boyfriend to show off or to put her worries off - but I love Jeff and I believe we can build our life together though it may not be in luxury and glamorous living. Our life together can be simple joys and basic comfort. We will work out the problems together, and I am braced for it. Of course, it would be nice if he earns a fat income and I can just be a tai tai and spend money without any reservations, but I really don't feel that a person should be defined by what he earns, nor should happiness be defined by how much you can spend. Yea yea, money is not everything but you cannot do without it either. I know.

Whatever it is, I just hope that things will work out for me.

I felt so broken just now, confronted with the failure of my life. All the setbacks and disappointments. The pain of losing so much money and zero savings due to foolishness in my past - for lending beyond my means and ending up in a debt that took me almost 10years to clear. Now, I am debt free but still zero saving due to career woes. Losing my job or taken on the wrong ones and have to quit, as a result causing extreme worries to my parents, mum especially. Sigh...

I really want to walk out of this situation. I still believe and see the light at the end of the tunnel. I still see the glass half full. I still have the courage to march on, come what may. I still have not given up on myself despite the failures that come one after another. I just hope that God would be merciful and gracious to me, and open the way for me to walk again on higher grounds.

I still count my blessings. I will not let this get me down. I fought too hard to be the person I am today. I have to be extra KNS and have extra faith in myself in order not to fall into inferiority complex. I have to be extra optimistic in order not to let those around me who are negative drag me down. I have to be my own cheerleader and be the one who is most loving towards myself. I will have to speak words of life to myself when others speak fear and destruction.

Things will get better. I believe it. So shall it be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As usual, once I've calmed down and cooled off, I'll send an apology for the words I've said to mum. Yes, its eating humble pie, but she's my only mother and she said those things out of love. Though I wish she could take things more optimistically and not be so uptight and neurotic, I would have to accept her as who she is, as much as I hope to be accepted for who I am.

Sigh...

Regular Bird Talk

Was chatting with BeeBee the other day about blogging, and suggested that when we donno what we wanna write, a good idea would be just to write the first 10 random thoughts that came to our mind. In order to practice what I preach, I'm gonna do that now!!

(1) Job Hunt

So far, the job hunt has been rather active and I've been contacted by a few recruitment agencies for potential jobs. Other than the one with the Flavours & Fragrance industry - which turned up silent, I've only been to one more company for job interview last Thursday. The company is in the airlines products & services industry and the job is for a replacement of the Assistant HR Manager who is leaving end of October. I've cleared the initial screening feeling very positive and enthusiastic about the potential job. However, the next day, after a phone interview from their HR Manager from Hong Kong, I have second thoughts. The picture painted was entirely different and caution bells started ringing. In addition, I need to do a HR Proficiency test that really stressed me out because a few of the questions are too technical or advanced for my knowledge & experience. I felt kinda lousy about the inadequacy but was pleasantly surprised today when I was told I did well on the written but need improvement for the technical questions. So, I passed the stages and am invited for a final interview tomorrow morning - will see how it goes. There's lots to consider regarding this job and I have my reservations...

(2) Neck strain

Urgh~ the back strain was gone not long ago and now I got myself a very bad stiff neck. Not sure how it got so severe - I could hardly turn my head or move without throbbing pain that felt like toothache on the neck and shoulder blades. Even my jaw feels retarded and it affected my speech. At times I felt nausea too! I suspect it must have been made worse last Friday due to all the stress when I was rushing to complete the HR proficiency test for the job interview. Before that, I already had a little bit of stiff neck starting up most likely due to bad posture leaning over the laptop for long hours at my desk. Went for Tui-Na treatment massage yesterday and paid another S$400 for a 10-hours package. The condition did not seem to have improve, so I'm applying the heat packs now and hope it'll help some how. I hope it'll be much better by tomorrow, because I don't wanna be like a zombie at the interview!

(3) Dating Anniversary

Time flies, and this Saturday, Oct 11th would mark the 1st year anniversary since Jeff sent me his love letter applying to be my boyfriend (Application for PR in my Heart) and I agree to start dating him first before considering a relationship, haha! Looking back, it has been quite romantic. Jeff has won my heart in so many endearing ways and have been consistent in his affection and concern. Though we have our ups and downs and differences, our relationship has been overall , a positive and growing one. I am grateful for his love and long suffering, wahaha! Hopefully this weekend we can have a celebration together. We've been rather busy or exhausted from daily toils of life, and our health has been quite bad - having flu, cough or all sorts of pains in the body. Signs of aging? haha!

(4) Jeff's 1 year Smoke Free Anniversary

Speaking of anniversaries, it was also Jeff's 1st year "Smoke-Free" anniversary on 23rd Sep 09. I think this was the biggest sacrifice he made that moved me to the core. It is certainly not easy for anyone to just quit smoking overnight and never light up again. Jeff shared with me sometimes he would have nightmares of lighting up and smoking and the immediate bulks of guilt and failure that fill his soul, only to wake up with cold sweat and realised its been a bad dream. Awww... poor baby. Though Jeff did not quit smoking entirely for me (he did it for himself as well - for health and cost savings reasons, haha~!), I will always be grateful that he quit smoking in order to be "eligible" to be my potential boyfriend, hahahaha!! That's because I once told him casually (when we were still "just friends") that I'll never consider a Smoker because I am allergic and super-resistant to the cigarette smoke fumes. I'm very proud of his achievement and endurance, and I hope he will continue to gain health and fitness as a result. Happy Smoke Free Anniversary, Darling!

(5) Finances

Kinda shocking to realise that in this year alone, I've only worked for 3 months (and at a low pay). How to survive that??! And right now I'm living on what's left of my final pay and if I don't get an income soon I'll have to start converting my $5 notes collection and some other sentimental savings (e.g. Ang Pow money collection). Or, to terminate monthly recurring expenses like SCV Channels, Broadband, Mobile phone, Insurance etc. Or, I'll have to borrow from my parents. NO WAY!! I really hope I don't have to come down to that state. Sigh.....even my dear brother is helping to pay the Maid's levy. Sobsob... In the meanwhile, I've signed on to a "Make money online" site and paid USD25 to enrol into a Online Survey network thingie. Supposedly, if I sign up with different market survey companies and participate in their invitation to do online consumer surveys, I can earn $$$. I participated in a few so far but finds it rather time consuming and tedious. However, it is a good experience as well. Each survey can take 30-40mins of my time depending on the length and content, and the reward is around USD5 each, which would eventually be paid into my paypal account. I've not done enough surveys to get paid, I think. But I'll still try to do more and test out this source of income. I have not figured out how to be paid in SGD yet. I won't know what to do with a USD cheque drawn to my name!

(6) Books

With the spare time as Miss Singapore Idle, I am glad to have the pleasure of reading books from my favorite author, Terry Pratchett. Picked up the book "Bromeliad" from the North Point National Library and had a wonderful time chuckling and smiling away with the wordplay and witty lines from the book. Too bad I didn't get to finish the book though, it was overdue and I have to return it in order to avoid paying fines. Grrrr... in the end, I still hadda pay 15cents fine for 1 day's overdue. Wanted to re-borrow the book but it was not available at the Bukit Batok branch. Nevermind, will hunt for it again soon. So then, I picked out 2 more books. I'm now reading "The lost diaries of Adrian Mole" by Sue Townsend, and another book by Nora Roberts titled "Angel's Fist". I love Nora Robert's books too!!! She's a great author for romance, suspense & thriller novels.

(7) Kilograms

Hehehe... still unsuccessful in losing weight. Have managed to kill about 2kgs but it seems to just jump back up to nearly 70kg again. Well, discouraging, but not a surprise to me at least. I know I've not been dieting or exercising enough to see an impact. But, really, for the sake of health and fitness, I need to kill 10kgs in order to function normally again. The knees and ankles have begun their complains, and I do feel the lethargies of an overweight hippo. Back problems are reoccurring and that makes me worried as well. Yea, I got mum, dad, Jeff worried over my weight issues too. Mum and dad has been rather annoying in their nagging and reminders, and Jeff is wise to keep a low profile on this matter knowing he doesn't want an attack from an angry hog. Sigh.. must try harder.

(8) Facebook

I guess I'm officially addicted to Facebook. It is where I spent most of my free times during weekdays, in between online job searches and other daily activities. I could play the addictive Bejeweled Blitz game for hours trying to beat the higher scores, do visits in Pet Society to earn coins, do illegal jobs & gangs fights in Mob Wars etc. hahahaha... Also, it's kinda nice to keep up with what friends are sharing in their pages. I just hope that I'll get a job soon to keep me busy with the right things, rather than to while away my time on Facebook every day.

(9) TV

Years ago, I was a TV Addict, haha! That's before I started online chats and network sites. Then for at least 3 years I literally don't watch TV programs anymore due to working late or internet activities... Right now, or rather this year, I have time on hand and a new TV in my room, my TV addiction was rekindled. hahaha!!! Well, not so bad lah, its just that I now have the luxury to catch up on TV programs. So lately, I've been watching and following the Singapore Idol, Survivor : Samoa, Project Runway, America's Next Top Model, CSI, Monk, Dexter, and many other TV series on local channel and SCV Cable channels. Life is good!

(10) So much to do, so little time

Yea, I'm the queen of procrastination... haha! I really must spend less time online and begin to clear all the boxes in the living room from my ex-offices. I have lots of reference materials for HR work, the office supplies I bought and brought to use at work, the books and display items etc. which I have nowhere to store in my room. So they've been sitting outside and mum has been nagging about it periodically. I can't really throw them because I might need them for my new job. In other to make room for them, I'll have to do some more spring cleaning and throw stuff out. Have done some "moving and reorganising" recently because of the air-con flooding, and I was glad to have Jeff's help. I must plan again to settle these things before I start a new job. My bad! hahahaha!!

Ok, 1o things already. Supposed to be 10 random sentences and it became 10 paragraphs. Nevetheless, its been fun just blogging. I love writing!! Too bad I dont know how to earn money with it. Yea, I know about Nuffnang and Adsense stuff, but I doubt my blog would be of any interest to people to generate income.

Last thought:

I hope that my neck strain will be gone by tomorrow morning, and I hope that the interview will go well and be offered the position. I hope that whatever I learn from tomorrow's interview would be positive and I would be happy to accept the job offer without much hesitation and reservation. I hope they would be able to pay me at a reasonable rate too. All the best!!!!

Not your usual Quotes - So cheeky!

Haha... this came in my email today and I chuckled over a few of them. Hope this bring you a smile or two as you read it too! Damn~ I missed all these witty wacky stuff!!

NOT YOUR USUAL QUOTES:

Money is not everything. There's Master & Visa.

One should love animals. They are so tasty.

Save water. Shower with your girlfriend.

Love the neighbor. But don't get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise one never marry, And when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.

Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.

"Your future depends on your dreams." So go to sleep.

There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.

"Hard work never killed anybody." But why take the risk?

"Work fascinates me." I can look at it for hours!

When two's company, three's the result!

Faithful and True

Was having a moment of desperation and despair over my recent situations..

Aimlessly playing games on Facebook killing time, while surfing the online job sites searching and applying for jobs.

Even when I had received a call this afternoon to go for a job interview tomorrow, I was thrilled for only a few minutes, and apprehensive about the favourable outcome for potential employment.

Heart still heavy, from within my mind and soul just springs the words.. "My redeemer is faithful and true". I began to sing this song, a favourite of mine, and tears just began streaming down my face as emotions overwhelm me. I can't describe all the thoughts and emotions that filled my whole being, nor the presence of God which seemed to just surround me at that moment. I know that moment my heart just broke before the Lord, my Redeemer.

I sang the song and wept for a bit. My heart is grateful and I know God touched me and comforted me. Thank you, God.

And here's the song, I found on YouTube. The original was sung by Steven Curtis Chapman, and I first heard it 20years ago by Bobby Michaels. However, I think this guy played and sang it well enough. There are quite a number of it posted, including one sang 'live' by Steven Curtis Chapman himself.

LYRICS:

As I look back on this road I've travelled

I've seen so many times He's carried me through

And if there's one thing that I've learnt in my life...

It's - my Redeemer is faithful and true

Chorus

My Redeemer is faithful and true

Everything He has said, He will do

And every morning His mercies are new

My Redeemer is faithful and true

And in every situation

He has proved his love to me

When I lacked the understanding

He gives more grace to me

(back to chorus)

There's a verse 2, but currently, only the above are what's ringing in my soul.

I will trust in God's faithfulness. He is faithful even when I am faith-less.

God is a good God.

Over-worrying Mum

Sigh... I'm so frustrated!!!!

Mum had seemed heavy hearted lately and I almost could see the overnight-aging-effect on her countenance. All her face skin just seemed to be darker and saggier.. that makes me wanna quickly buy her a bottle of Estee Lauder's "Advance Night Repair Synchronised" - their latest product - to use. Or SKII, or some other anti-aging products that work miracles!

However, deep down, I know that giving her all these top-notch beauty products will not work as long as she over-worries over everything. And I know that I am one main source of her worries.

So today, during lunch, I asked her what's been bothering her lately.. did anyone said something that hurt her feelings deeply? ... Is she worried about her sister (my aunt) or other relatives?... did my bro disappoint her in anyway?? etc..?? And I am prepared that the first thing she would bring up is - YOURS TRULY. And Bingo~!

Yea, mum said that no one has hurt her feelings, no one is frustrating or disappointing her, and YES, I AM THE ONLY REASON for her recent insomnia and worried face. -_-

She wonders why I can be so unlucky.. why had my jobs not worked out? And on top of that, she worries about my health and fitness as all mothers would. She expects to see me wake up real early in the morning and be very energetic to go about the daily stuff, and to see me sleep before midnight. However, me being a nocturnal person, usually refused to sleep till I'm tired.. which is around 2am or later, and don't wake till 11am (when I don't need to work the next day). She also worries about my lifestyle, how I spent my weekends just hiding in the bedroom resting, and a heap of disapprovals regarding my bf. No one will ever meet her standards. NO ONE. Sigh....

So, yea, mum and I had a little argument over her over-worrying, and me being the source of her over-worrying.

This really frustrates me!!!!

I do love my mother and wants her to be proud of me and happy and worry-free. But, I know I won't be able to ever achieve that unless I became someone successful in my career (with high salary and status and regular international travels), and marries a financially stable successful man that is also charming, capable, with good personality and character. Then, she can have peace of mind and rest-assured that her daughter is in good hands, and independent.

I wished the same for myself too, but reality is far from fantasy and dreams. I don't blame my mum for having those expectations or wishes for me too. But I wished she can stop over-worrying!!! I wished she could release those worries and just see things on the positive side.

Even in the earlier argument or conversation I had with her, she was pointing out all my failures and flaws... even when I've put in effort to try to achieve them, once I start to slide off the mark, I'm back to being a case of failure and source of extreme worries in her eyes.

I am sad that I could never make her happy. Yet, I am not willing to change my entire lifestyle and habits and choices just that she can be happy. This is the struggle I have between the expectations of filial piety and achieving personal happiness and identity.

I wonder if I no longer live under the same roof, where she no longer can see the way I chose to live my life... would she worry less?

ANYWAY...

I just hope to find a good stable job soon. At least that would put one main worry away. Because I know, she's worried that if I still don't find work/income, there's no way I can survive the next few months financially. She knows I am penny-less.

I would try to wake by 8am and sleep by midnight, if it pleases her so. That is within my control, and this is one stone that will kill 2 birds. Because I know that my bf also worries over my sleeping pattern. Sigh...

As for whatever disapprovals she has over me and my bf's activities at home, perhaps its time to spend less time at home and more time outside. We usually just stay in my room to chill, watch TV, play games on Facebook, surf net for info, or just Zzzzzz - it's great to have the comfort of air-con. The more "docile" activities is also largely due to me having back pains, or me being too drained/weak due to menses, or me not feeling well due to sinus infections - so we just stay indoors and chill the weekend out. There were days that we go out, but lately we're just trying to save on petrol and parking. Whatever lah, though these sound like excuses, but that's the quality time we've been spending together. Since that's an eyesore to mum, its time to make some adjustment and just get out of her sight. Sigh....

I guess there's no way I can ever stop mum from her worries. If she's not worried about me, she'll be worried about my bro, or the nephews, or the maids. Otherwise, it'll be my aunt or some other personal source of worries. Sometimes I wonder if worrying is the thing that she enjoys doing. I hope that God will remind her to pray and cast her cares upon Him so her burdens may roll away. I won't be the right person to tell her that, hurhur.. *guilty face*

Gotta admit, I've been selfish too. I admit that I've been too self-centered in the way I've lived my life, and unaware that every move I made caused anxiety to those who cares for me.

I just hope that God will be gracious to me and provide me with a good stable job that I can settle and be happy in. And that God will bless Jeff, so that his TPE project will wrap up soon once and for all, and that he will also be able to find a better job with better income.

I worry too about my finances. Hence, if I still don't land a job soon, I will seriously take up part time jobs even if it pays only $5 per hour.

And I hope, I can motivate myself hard enough to start exercising daily - that will surely make mum happier. I guess, when mum is happy, I can be happier. After all, she's my only mum, and she loves me.

Sigh, I feel helpless, really.

I just hope that God will minister to mum and give her peace.

Amen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway, after I've cooled down (thanks to blogging it off my chest), I sms'd mum to tell her I'm sorry to have made her worry so much for me, and told her that I'll try to improve, and thanked her for her love. So, we made peace. ^_^ Happy Ending.

Freedom from Slavery! Home Again!

So, I've finally quit the job and now I'm home.

Finally, freedom from the daily torment! But yes... need to find a new job immediately in order to pay bills. This will not be a holiday to nuah.

The events leading up to my "resignation" was rather dramatic but I'm glad I made the right decision for myself. I am also glad to have my darling, and my trusted friends who supported me and gave me good advice.

Don't think I'll wanna work with retail or cosmetics industry again. The culture leaves a bad taste in the mouth unless I'm with the sales & marketing group, which is fun and happening. However, my job belongs with the functional group - you just get to labour and watch the fun, while bearing with the demands of bitchy folks and those with diva attitudes. However, there are also really nice people amongst them. I'm glad to have met some of them.

I'm also kinda surprised that right after I've left the company, one of my colleagues there (The girl who sat in the workstation in front of me) immediately deleted me and blocked me on facebook. WTF? Really, I am rather disappointed. But, neither would I bother to find out why... that's also because she's not someone whom I feel I wanted to maintain friendship with anyway. That's how things were for me at the office. She's also the one who told me that she disliked me right from the day I started work there, because she disliked the lady I replaced, and that she feels I am quite similar in many ways to that lady. Duh... Childish & Immature. Then, after that, she became friendly and said someone pointed out to her that its not fair for her to stereotype me to my predecessor, and so then she finds me quite nice to work with. Then, she blows hot and cold but I just ignore it, treating her as just another little girl who is childish and immature. Things were friendly on the surface on my last day, but I just don't get why she needs to delete or even block me. I'm not even stalking her. Anyway, enough about her.

Hence, since 2nd Sep I've been home. I felt lost and depressed for awhile, as well as feeling anxious about finances. Jeff was very supportive and gave me encouragements. I was also chatting over MSN with ET and really cried hard when she cheered me on and encouraged me. Shirl was also there for me, giving me useful advice and affirmations. Other pals, including Charlie, Carol, Michelle, Aslilia from MH were there for me as well. What surprised me most was the support that came from mum. I thought she'll be upset with me, but she was not. She was glad I left the company as she felt it really wasn't worth it. She felt I deserve something better. My bro was also concerned - called me up to catchup on what's the situation, and prayed for me.

Earlier this week, I finally had my first job interview. It was for a HR Manager position with a US MNC in Flavours and Fragrance business. It went ok, and I'm not too excited about this job. That's because I will need to handle A-Z on all HR matters including the medical claim, leave, filing etc for 200 over staff, including alternating between 2 locations - the office and the manufacturing plant.

Next week, I'll have another interview for a HR position with a US MNC in the life sciences industry. The job sounds good, but I do feel kinda inadequate for the position. Nevertheless, I will go for the interview and will then be able to get a clearer picture of what the role requires. Hopefully, it would be a job fit for me.

In the meanwhile, I hope there will still be other opportunities opening up for me!!!

Ok, that's all for now. Will go take a break, and maybe a nap. Hurhurhurhurhur...

The 4 Letter word named WORK

Had a really REALLY REALLY bad day at work.

First of all, last night, I worked late to complete all the backlogs of paperworks.

Got home 11pm plus, had dinner and showered, its already midnight.

Was on the phone with Jeff, and again, he is moody because I worked late.

In the end, I felt hurt and disappointed by his sarcasm and unhappiness over my working late, and had to cry myself to sleep.

It's tough enough to have to take a low pay that hardly make ends meet, have so much to do, got home late, and still have to defend and justify it to my love ones, begging for understanding and support. 

What the fuck! I used to have the freedom to work till 2am, though tired and felt over-worked-under-paid, yet at least have the peace of mind and satisfaction that I've fulfilled my responsibilities and put in an honest day's work. 

Sometimes I get a sympathetic pat on the shoulder, or sympathetic ear when I bitch about work, or someone saying he/she understands what I am going through, and encouraged me to hang on.

Now, I worry about how unhappy my guy is gonna be. I worry about how am I gonna explain my late night again. 

Why do I feel I am getting punished for working late?

Got in this morning, sat down at the office desk and cried again. 

I really hope I can find a new job soon that would work out for me.

Boss was not pleased when she handed me back the stack of all the paper work I've put up for her to sign.

She said, I should never give her all these at one go to sign, because it takes up SO MUCH of her time to go through and sign them.

How about the 4 hours I put in just to get all these paperwork done? OMG!!!!!! I can't believe my ears!!

And, with that, Boss had a "talk" with me.

The talk did not end well.

First, she could not understand why I am stressed and don't seem to be coping with all the work.

OMG!!! I'm functioning as her full time secretary, full time department admin assistant, and a HR Specialist at the pay rate of peanuts!

Then, when we spoke about one of the projects, she got angry and started to show her colors and displeasure, because she was under the wrong impression that I have gone ahead to confirm hotels and such - which I had not. No time to look into this project yet, and had been unable to get the time to sit down with her to go through all the details. She's been travelling extensively, and when she's around, her schedules are packed from early morning till evening. My emails are non-stop getting instructions from her to work on things, followup on issues, collating and chasing for data from the countries etc. I was also working on fire-fighting mode.

Yet, now, she don't understand why???? hahahaha.. I am speechless.

That's why I am now sitting here, blogging and crying silently at my desk during lunch hour, via email.

I wish to quit, but I need the money.

Yet, right now, my confidence is really shaken. Can't I do a junior admin person's job well even?

Boss said I do very good work, very detailed and complete. However, I guess, she has a problem with how fast I turnaround things.

I want to take the responsibility, accept the blame. But how can I?

I felt that it is unfair to expect me to be running all these projects independently within 2 months of joining.

I felt that I am bogged down by all the secretarial and admin responsibilities that goes on daily.

I felt that she does not have a realistic take on the necessary time/complexity/paperwork that needs to go into each issues.

Or perhaps, its just me. 

This is fast becoming a pattern. It seems.

In my last job, it didn't work out. 

This, a much easier job, still is not working out.

Am I so bad at it?

I really feel that I can do better, and shine, at a real HR role. 

No more secretarial/admin support roles for me next.

I feel so miserable right now.

If I were to pour my heart to Jeff now about how I'm feeling and crying, will I get an unhappy tone and "I told you so"?

Or will he comfort me and tell me to hang on, he's here for me, and encourage me to keep hoping and trying for a better job?

Anyway, I know he loves me and wants me to be happy, feeling the pain that I need to work hard. So, I'll understand if he is unable to react in the way I prefer a friend or darling would.

Sigh.. I need a hug.

I sincerely hope, the job that the MichaelPage Consultant shared with me about last week will bring me favourable news soon.

The Consultant contacted me about an Asst HR Manager role, reporting to a Regional HR Director, and supervising a HR Administrator.

The role's job description and the expectations of the Regional HR Director is really a match to what I am seeking for, except that I do not have experience in SAP HR. However, I am confident that I can pick up SAP HR without much problem. So, hopefully, the recruiter will be willing to see me for an interview, and hopefully I will be successfully selected for the position.

Then I will give my 2 weeks notice, and get out of this miserable job.

Otherwise, I just hope that the opportunity at ET's company would open soon and perhaps there is the chance I could move there. It will be so great to work with ET again, and Aslilia! 

May God bless me!!

Perhaps, it is time to get down on my knees and pray.

The prodigal son (daughter) is eating shit when even the servants at the Father's house have brownies as dessert.  (-_-)

Oh, I need a new rainbow!

Today, I will leave at 6pm sharp and be home in time for Singapore Idol.

*self hug*

Tweetie

BMW!! Lousy day at work

Sigh... what to say? I'm beginning to feel quite strongly that this very secretarial role in my new company is not working out fine for me!

 

It is really tough adjustment to "play secretary" to a female lady who is not easy to pleased.

 

Neither am I really a good secretarial material. In fact, I am starting to really HATE managing the calendars and conference calls and people enquiring with me on her availability. It may be easy shit for others, but I find it really such a stinking piece of shit. Making it worse is my boss - sigh... don't wanna elaborate, but I am not feeling so motivated today. In fact, right now, I am upset!!!

 

I want to go home. But .... I can't!!

The entire day (other than a nice lunch at Bakerzin with my 2 really nice colleagues who made my day) has been spent on calendars calendars calendars.  OMG I wanna scream!!!!! I think I'd rather be swimming in a deep pool in another company managing all the operational HR stuff, which is also shit, but perhaps at a higher pay rate and getting the feel that I'm really doing work.

 

I didn't expect myself to feel this way, honestly.

I thought i wouldn't mind being an administrator again, but the Job description certainly made the job look attractive.

The Company's reputation, benefits and perks are some of the retaining factor too.

However, these are things I am very willing to forego if the job scope really don't work out for me.

I feel like a useless secretary, and absolutely no excellence nor confidence. Honestly, it is really not my forte to babysit someone else's calendar, appointments, etc.

 

Though boss clarified that she does not need me to monitor her appointments, but how do I detach myself from that?

People whom she's supposed to call and meet are calling me up to check if she's done, or when she's done can i please give a call to inform them so they can call in, ...

Worse thing is, I had to negotiate for a slot for her today at a certain time. And since she said she dont want reminders nor prompts, I tried not to do so. However, 15mins passed the appointment time and she has not yet made a move to the other office (10mins walk), and the other big shot's PA expects me to be monitoring and keeping tabs or updating the parties. GRRRRRRRR~!!!!! When I inform her that she'll be 30mins late, I got a tick-off from her that she does not need to be prompted and didn't she just clarified that the day before! I felt like such a chow kaypoh and a nuisance to her!! Geez!!! Yet, she does not understand that I need to keep other parties updated. When i try to explain that the other PA has stressed that the appointment should be kept in time, she told me that if the PA has a problem with that, just ask if the PA wants to have a word with her.

 

.... ....... ..... ..

 

I'm speechless.

Absolutely uncomfortable.

And I'm pissed off!!

 

Anyway, I called that PA to inform her that my boss will be late, and apologised about it.

 

SIGH... I HATE IT!!!

 

And then, there are other little unpleasantness of the day in other matters that really frustrates me.

 

Sigh... sigh... sigh....

 

I don't want to give up so easily, I don't want to run away from difficulties. I don't want another "short term" job that didn't work out.

Yet, how do I solve this situation?

 

I can't imagine when the new Director starts her project and the other new Director joins and starts his projects!! They will all look to me for support. During then, can I manage a very PA-dependent Boss and 2 other Directors?

 

Good question.

 

The salary rate is so not worth it.

Yes I'm bitching and moaning and whining. BMW!!!!

 

And now, back to work. *&^%$#@!!!

 

Time to start blogging more!

Wow, its been some time again since I've blogged.

I'm now blogging via email... wonder if it'll work fine. This would be a way to blog during office hours.. Shhhh.... haha!!
Well, I've started working since 26th May 2009 and the new company blocks all access to websites like facebook and blogger and many others. haiz..

However, at least its still possible to go to gmail! Therefore, this sprung forth the idea that I should utilise the blogging via email mode.

So much to update!! Oh gosh, if i continue to procrastinate on blogging, so much events and emotions and thoughts in my life will be forgotten!!!

Well, this is now a test and I will keep it short. If it posts successfully, then I'll sure be posting more from now on!!

^_^

Tweetie's sweetheart... 4th month anniversary

Wow... It's been 4 months since I've been in a relationship with Jeff and I've yet to blog about it!!

For a start, here's me and Jeff :



We started dating in Oct-08 and 3 months later, on 11th Jan 2009, became officially in a relationship. Ever since, he has kept me very very busy - especially on weekends. Haha~ just kidding! We had lots of fun just being together. There were ups and downs, but mostly "UPs".

Thank you darling, for loving me in such a sweet and wonderful way.

Thank you, for all the sacrifices you've made, and all the big and small things you've done for me.

Most of all, thank you for loving me as who I am... though I am fiesty, stubborn, zany and unpredictable in my own tweetie ways, heh heh heh...

HAPPY 4th MONTH ANNIVERSARY!!!

Yes, Darling, its the 4th month : 11th Feb (1st), 11th Mar (2nd), 11th Apr (3rd), 11th May (4th)

** Oh yes, and not forgetting.... May 11th 2007 is the first time we met!

2009 and its already March!

Woah~ how fast time flies!!! And this time, its not because I was too busy at work, haha!! I've been too busy with hedonistic part of my life!

Quite shocking to return and see that my last post was written before the last day of my work.
So much has taken place in my life in these short 3 months, and I don't think I'll be able to detail it here!

However, I shall try to recall as much as possible.

As of right now, I am very contented with my life. VERY CONTENTED.

The past few months have given me a good rest, recuperated from my frequent sinus infections and I am beginning to see some stability in health. Next thing I gotta do is lose weight. My weight is now at a height of 68kg and that is NOT ACCEPTABLE!! I really hadda hadda hadda discipline myself to eat less and exercise more. Yes, had started some exercising but I know its definitely not enough to burn off the excess calories. -.-

Well, that being said, its time for me to sleep, LOL! I'm living the life of a pig!

Will be back soon to rant!

Cheers!!!!!