Over-worrying Mum

Sigh... I'm so frustrated!!!!

Mum had seemed heavy hearted lately and I almost could see the overnight-aging-effect on her countenance. All her face skin just seemed to be darker and saggier.. that makes me wanna quickly buy her a bottle of Estee Lauder's "Advance Night Repair Synchronised" - their latest product - to use. Or SKII, or some other anti-aging products that work miracles!

However, deep down, I know that giving her all these top-notch beauty products will not work as long as she over-worries over everything. And I know that I am one main source of her worries.

So today, during lunch, I asked her what's been bothering her lately.. did anyone said something that hurt her feelings deeply? ... Is she worried about her sister (my aunt) or other relatives?... did my bro disappoint her in anyway?? etc..?? And I am prepared that the first thing she would bring up is - YOURS TRULY. And Bingo~!

Yea, mum said that no one has hurt her feelings, no one is frustrating or disappointing her, and YES, I AM THE ONLY REASON for her recent insomnia and worried face. -_-

She wonders why I can be so unlucky.. why had my jobs not worked out? And on top of that, she worries about my health and fitness as all mothers would. She expects to see me wake up real early in the morning and be very energetic to go about the daily stuff, and to see me sleep before midnight. However, me being a nocturnal person, usually refused to sleep till I'm tired.. which is around 2am or later, and don't wake till 11am (when I don't need to work the next day). She also worries about my lifestyle, how I spent my weekends just hiding in the bedroom resting, and a heap of disapprovals regarding my bf. No one will ever meet her standards. NO ONE. Sigh....

So, yea, mum and I had a little argument over her over-worrying, and me being the source of her over-worrying.

This really frustrates me!!!!

I do love my mother and wants her to be proud of me and happy and worry-free. But, I know I won't be able to ever achieve that unless I became someone successful in my career (with high salary and status and regular international travels), and marries a financially stable successful man that is also charming, capable, with good personality and character. Then, she can have peace of mind and rest-assured that her daughter is in good hands, and independent.

I wished the same for myself too, but reality is far from fantasy and dreams. I don't blame my mum for having those expectations or wishes for me too. But I wished she can stop over-worrying!!! I wished she could release those worries and just see things on the positive side.

Even in the earlier argument or conversation I had with her, she was pointing out all my failures and flaws... even when I've put in effort to try to achieve them, once I start to slide off the mark, I'm back to being a case of failure and source of extreme worries in her eyes.

I am sad that I could never make her happy. Yet, I am not willing to change my entire lifestyle and habits and choices just that she can be happy. This is the struggle I have between the expectations of filial piety and achieving personal happiness and identity.

I wonder if I no longer live under the same roof, where she no longer can see the way I chose to live my life... would she worry less?

ANYWAY...

I just hope to find a good stable job soon. At least that would put one main worry away. Because I know, she's worried that if I still don't find work/income, there's no way I can survive the next few months financially. She knows I am penny-less.

I would try to wake by 8am and sleep by midnight, if it pleases her so. That is within my control, and this is one stone that will kill 2 birds. Because I know that my bf also worries over my sleeping pattern. Sigh...

As for whatever disapprovals she has over me and my bf's activities at home, perhaps its time to spend less time at home and more time outside. We usually just stay in my room to chill, watch TV, play games on Facebook, surf net for info, or just Zzzzzz - it's great to have the comfort of air-con. The more "docile" activities is also largely due to me having back pains, or me being too drained/weak due to menses, or me not feeling well due to sinus infections - so we just stay indoors and chill the weekend out. There were days that we go out, but lately we're just trying to save on petrol and parking. Whatever lah, though these sound like excuses, but that's the quality time we've been spending together. Since that's an eyesore to mum, its time to make some adjustment and just get out of her sight. Sigh....

I guess there's no way I can ever stop mum from her worries. If she's not worried about me, she'll be worried about my bro, or the nephews, or the maids. Otherwise, it'll be my aunt or some other personal source of worries. Sometimes I wonder if worrying is the thing that she enjoys doing. I hope that God will remind her to pray and cast her cares upon Him so her burdens may roll away. I won't be the right person to tell her that, hurhur.. *guilty face*

Gotta admit, I've been selfish too. I admit that I've been too self-centered in the way I've lived my life, and unaware that every move I made caused anxiety to those who cares for me.

I just hope that God will be gracious to me and provide me with a good stable job that I can settle and be happy in. And that God will bless Jeff, so that his TPE project will wrap up soon once and for all, and that he will also be able to find a better job with better income.

I worry too about my finances. Hence, if I still don't land a job soon, I will seriously take up part time jobs even if it pays only $5 per hour.

And I hope, I can motivate myself hard enough to start exercising daily - that will surely make mum happier. I guess, when mum is happy, I can be happier. After all, she's my only mum, and she loves me.

Sigh, I feel helpless, really.

I just hope that God will minister to mum and give her peace.

Amen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway, after I've cooled down (thanks to blogging it off my chest), I sms'd mum to tell her I'm sorry to have made her worry so much for me, and told her that I'll try to improve, and thanked her for her love. So, we made peace. ^_^ Happy Ending.

Freedom from Slavery! Home Again!

So, I've finally quit the job and now I'm home.

Finally, freedom from the daily torment! But yes... need to find a new job immediately in order to pay bills. This will not be a holiday to nuah.

The events leading up to my "resignation" was rather dramatic but I'm glad I made the right decision for myself. I am also glad to have my darling, and my trusted friends who supported me and gave me good advice.

Don't think I'll wanna work with retail or cosmetics industry again. The culture leaves a bad taste in the mouth unless I'm with the sales & marketing group, which is fun and happening. However, my job belongs with the functional group - you just get to labour and watch the fun, while bearing with the demands of bitchy folks and those with diva attitudes. However, there are also really nice people amongst them. I'm glad to have met some of them.

I'm also kinda surprised that right after I've left the company, one of my colleagues there (The girl who sat in the workstation in front of me) immediately deleted me and blocked me on facebook. WTF? Really, I am rather disappointed. But, neither would I bother to find out why... that's also because she's not someone whom I feel I wanted to maintain friendship with anyway. That's how things were for me at the office. She's also the one who told me that she disliked me right from the day I started work there, because she disliked the lady I replaced, and that she feels I am quite similar in many ways to that lady. Duh... Childish & Immature. Then, after that, she became friendly and said someone pointed out to her that its not fair for her to stereotype me to my predecessor, and so then she finds me quite nice to work with. Then, she blows hot and cold but I just ignore it, treating her as just another little girl who is childish and immature. Things were friendly on the surface on my last day, but I just don't get why she needs to delete or even block me. I'm not even stalking her. Anyway, enough about her.

Hence, since 2nd Sep I've been home. I felt lost and depressed for awhile, as well as feeling anxious about finances. Jeff was very supportive and gave me encouragements. I was also chatting over MSN with ET and really cried hard when she cheered me on and encouraged me. Shirl was also there for me, giving me useful advice and affirmations. Other pals, including Charlie, Carol, Michelle, Aslilia from MH were there for me as well. What surprised me most was the support that came from mum. I thought she'll be upset with me, but she was not. She was glad I left the company as she felt it really wasn't worth it. She felt I deserve something better. My bro was also concerned - called me up to catchup on what's the situation, and prayed for me.

Earlier this week, I finally had my first job interview. It was for a HR Manager position with a US MNC in Flavours and Fragrance business. It went ok, and I'm not too excited about this job. That's because I will need to handle A-Z on all HR matters including the medical claim, leave, filing etc for 200 over staff, including alternating between 2 locations - the office and the manufacturing plant.

Next week, I'll have another interview for a HR position with a US MNC in the life sciences industry. The job sounds good, but I do feel kinda inadequate for the position. Nevertheless, I will go for the interview and will then be able to get a clearer picture of what the role requires. Hopefully, it would be a job fit for me.

In the meanwhile, I hope there will still be other opportunities opening up for me!!!

Ok, that's all for now. Will go take a break, and maybe a nap. Hurhurhurhurhur...

The 4 Letter word named WORK

Had a really REALLY REALLY bad day at work.

First of all, last night, I worked late to complete all the backlogs of paperworks.

Got home 11pm plus, had dinner and showered, its already midnight.

Was on the phone with Jeff, and again, he is moody because I worked late.

In the end, I felt hurt and disappointed by his sarcasm and unhappiness over my working late, and had to cry myself to sleep.

It's tough enough to have to take a low pay that hardly make ends meet, have so much to do, got home late, and still have to defend and justify it to my love ones, begging for understanding and support. 

What the fuck! I used to have the freedom to work till 2am, though tired and felt over-worked-under-paid, yet at least have the peace of mind and satisfaction that I've fulfilled my responsibilities and put in an honest day's work. 

Sometimes I get a sympathetic pat on the shoulder, or sympathetic ear when I bitch about work, or someone saying he/she understands what I am going through, and encouraged me to hang on.

Now, I worry about how unhappy my guy is gonna be. I worry about how am I gonna explain my late night again. 

Why do I feel I am getting punished for working late?

Got in this morning, sat down at the office desk and cried again. 

I really hope I can find a new job soon that would work out for me.

Boss was not pleased when she handed me back the stack of all the paper work I've put up for her to sign.

She said, I should never give her all these at one go to sign, because it takes up SO MUCH of her time to go through and sign them.

How about the 4 hours I put in just to get all these paperwork done? OMG!!!!!! I can't believe my ears!!

And, with that, Boss had a "talk" with me.

The talk did not end well.

First, she could not understand why I am stressed and don't seem to be coping with all the work.

OMG!!! I'm functioning as her full time secretary, full time department admin assistant, and a HR Specialist at the pay rate of peanuts!

Then, when we spoke about one of the projects, she got angry and started to show her colors and displeasure, because she was under the wrong impression that I have gone ahead to confirm hotels and such - which I had not. No time to look into this project yet, and had been unable to get the time to sit down with her to go through all the details. She's been travelling extensively, and when she's around, her schedules are packed from early morning till evening. My emails are non-stop getting instructions from her to work on things, followup on issues, collating and chasing for data from the countries etc. I was also working on fire-fighting mode.

Yet, now, she don't understand why???? hahahaha.. I am speechless.

That's why I am now sitting here, blogging and crying silently at my desk during lunch hour, via email.

I wish to quit, but I need the money.

Yet, right now, my confidence is really shaken. Can't I do a junior admin person's job well even?

Boss said I do very good work, very detailed and complete. However, I guess, she has a problem with how fast I turnaround things.

I want to take the responsibility, accept the blame. But how can I?

I felt that it is unfair to expect me to be running all these projects independently within 2 months of joining.

I felt that I am bogged down by all the secretarial and admin responsibilities that goes on daily.

I felt that she does not have a realistic take on the necessary time/complexity/paperwork that needs to go into each issues.

Or perhaps, its just me. 

This is fast becoming a pattern. It seems.

In my last job, it didn't work out. 

This, a much easier job, still is not working out.

Am I so bad at it?

I really feel that I can do better, and shine, at a real HR role. 

No more secretarial/admin support roles for me next.

I feel so miserable right now.

If I were to pour my heart to Jeff now about how I'm feeling and crying, will I get an unhappy tone and "I told you so"?

Or will he comfort me and tell me to hang on, he's here for me, and encourage me to keep hoping and trying for a better job?

Anyway, I know he loves me and wants me to be happy, feeling the pain that I need to work hard. So, I'll understand if he is unable to react in the way I prefer a friend or darling would.

Sigh.. I need a hug.

I sincerely hope, the job that the MichaelPage Consultant shared with me about last week will bring me favourable news soon.

The Consultant contacted me about an Asst HR Manager role, reporting to a Regional HR Director, and supervising a HR Administrator.

The role's job description and the expectations of the Regional HR Director is really a match to what I am seeking for, except that I do not have experience in SAP HR. However, I am confident that I can pick up SAP HR without much problem. So, hopefully, the recruiter will be willing to see me for an interview, and hopefully I will be successfully selected for the position.

Then I will give my 2 weeks notice, and get out of this miserable job.

Otherwise, I just hope that the opportunity at ET's company would open soon and perhaps there is the chance I could move there. It will be so great to work with ET again, and Aslilia! 

May God bless me!!

Perhaps, it is time to get down on my knees and pray.

The prodigal son (daughter) is eating shit when even the servants at the Father's house have brownies as dessert.  (-_-)

Oh, I need a new rainbow!

Today, I will leave at 6pm sharp and be home in time for Singapore Idol.

*self hug*

Tweetie

BMW!! Lousy day at work

Sigh... what to say? I'm beginning to feel quite strongly that this very secretarial role in my new company is not working out fine for me!

 

It is really tough adjustment to "play secretary" to a female lady who is not easy to pleased.

 

Neither am I really a good secretarial material. In fact, I am starting to really HATE managing the calendars and conference calls and people enquiring with me on her availability. It may be easy shit for others, but I find it really such a stinking piece of shit. Making it worse is my boss - sigh... don't wanna elaborate, but I am not feeling so motivated today. In fact, right now, I am upset!!!

 

I want to go home. But .... I can't!!

The entire day (other than a nice lunch at Bakerzin with my 2 really nice colleagues who made my day) has been spent on calendars calendars calendars.  OMG I wanna scream!!!!! I think I'd rather be swimming in a deep pool in another company managing all the operational HR stuff, which is also shit, but perhaps at a higher pay rate and getting the feel that I'm really doing work.

 

I didn't expect myself to feel this way, honestly.

I thought i wouldn't mind being an administrator again, but the Job description certainly made the job look attractive.

The Company's reputation, benefits and perks are some of the retaining factor too.

However, these are things I am very willing to forego if the job scope really don't work out for me.

I feel like a useless secretary, and absolutely no excellence nor confidence. Honestly, it is really not my forte to babysit someone else's calendar, appointments, etc.

 

Though boss clarified that she does not need me to monitor her appointments, but how do I detach myself from that?

People whom she's supposed to call and meet are calling me up to check if she's done, or when she's done can i please give a call to inform them so they can call in, ...

Worse thing is, I had to negotiate for a slot for her today at a certain time. And since she said she dont want reminders nor prompts, I tried not to do so. However, 15mins passed the appointment time and she has not yet made a move to the other office (10mins walk), and the other big shot's PA expects me to be monitoring and keeping tabs or updating the parties. GRRRRRRRR~!!!!! When I inform her that she'll be 30mins late, I got a tick-off from her that she does not need to be prompted and didn't she just clarified that the day before! I felt like such a chow kaypoh and a nuisance to her!! Geez!!! Yet, she does not understand that I need to keep other parties updated. When i try to explain that the other PA has stressed that the appointment should be kept in time, she told me that if the PA has a problem with that, just ask if the PA wants to have a word with her.

 

.... ....... ..... ..

 

I'm speechless.

Absolutely uncomfortable.

And I'm pissed off!!

 

Anyway, I called that PA to inform her that my boss will be late, and apologised about it.

 

SIGH... I HATE IT!!!

 

And then, there are other little unpleasantness of the day in other matters that really frustrates me.

 

Sigh... sigh... sigh....

 

I don't want to give up so easily, I don't want to run away from difficulties. I don't want another "short term" job that didn't work out.

Yet, how do I solve this situation?

 

I can't imagine when the new Director starts her project and the other new Director joins and starts his projects!! They will all look to me for support. During then, can I manage a very PA-dependent Boss and 2 other Directors?

 

Good question.

 

The salary rate is so not worth it.

Yes I'm bitching and moaning and whining. BMW!!!!

 

And now, back to work. *&^%$#@!!!

 

Time to start blogging more!

Wow, its been some time again since I've blogged.

I'm now blogging via email... wonder if it'll work fine. This would be a way to blog during office hours.. Shhhh.... haha!!
Well, I've started working since 26th May 2009 and the new company blocks all access to websites like facebook and blogger and many others. haiz..

However, at least its still possible to go to gmail! Therefore, this sprung forth the idea that I should utilise the blogging via email mode.

So much to update!! Oh gosh, if i continue to procrastinate on blogging, so much events and emotions and thoughts in my life will be forgotten!!!

Well, this is now a test and I will keep it short. If it posts successfully, then I'll sure be posting more from now on!!

^_^

Tweetie's sweetheart... 4th month anniversary

Wow... It's been 4 months since I've been in a relationship with Jeff and I've yet to blog about it!!

For a start, here's me and Jeff :



We started dating in Oct-08 and 3 months later, on 11th Jan 2009, became officially in a relationship. Ever since, he has kept me very very busy - especially on weekends. Haha~ just kidding! We had lots of fun just being together. There were ups and downs, but mostly "UPs".

Thank you darling, for loving me in such a sweet and wonderful way.

Thank you, for all the sacrifices you've made, and all the big and small things you've done for me.

Most of all, thank you for loving me as who I am... though I am fiesty, stubborn, zany and unpredictable in my own tweetie ways, heh heh heh...

HAPPY 4th MONTH ANNIVERSARY!!!

Yes, Darling, its the 4th month : 11th Feb (1st), 11th Mar (2nd), 11th Apr (3rd), 11th May (4th)

** Oh yes, and not forgetting.... May 11th 2007 is the first time we met!

2009 and its already March!

Woah~ how fast time flies!!! And this time, its not because I was too busy at work, haha!! I've been too busy with hedonistic part of my life!

Quite shocking to return and see that my last post was written before the last day of my work.
So much has taken place in my life in these short 3 months, and I don't think I'll be able to detail it here!

However, I shall try to recall as much as possible.

As of right now, I am very contented with my life. VERY CONTENTED.

The past few months have given me a good rest, recuperated from my frequent sinus infections and I am beginning to see some stability in health. Next thing I gotta do is lose weight. My weight is now at a height of 68kg and that is NOT ACCEPTABLE!! I really hadda hadda hadda discipline myself to eat less and exercise more. Yes, had started some exercising but I know its definitely not enough to burn off the excess calories. -.-

Well, that being said, its time for me to sleep, LOL! I'm living the life of a pig!

Will be back soon to rant!

Cheers!!!!!

I've dunnit!

Yes I've done it~!! I've sent in the letter last Wednesday, and tomorrow, 17 Dec 2008 will be my final day at the office.

With Jeff's help, I've managed to pack and send my stuff back home on Sunday... and there just remain a few more items we will shift home tonight.

Sent out a broadcast email to my colleagues last evening to inform them of my leaving. Received a few heartfelt responses that left me feeling touched.. sad... and encouraged. I guess I have under-estimated again, the level of favour people have towards me. A reminder, we often under-estimate how much we may mean to the people in our lives. Really gotta treasure and cherish it and not take things & people for granted.

I feel sad to have saddened the hearts of a few really nice folks, which I hope to continue keeping in contact. I've also had a few heartfelt chats with colleagues who would soon become friends, hehee..

I do feel the reluctance to leave, when I see how by staying on I can help.. and all the things that need to be done - who's gonna do them? But I do know clearly as well that I gotta move on.

I will miss the Levono R61 laptop I'm currently using at work, and the smiles of my colleagues, the fun folks from 8th floor I spend the most time with, and the pals I have from the 9th floor.

Well, I just can't help feeling sentimental.. :)

I'm now just gonna try to close as many chapters as I can for the unfinished tasks, and to prepare the handover matters and reminders.

Tomorrow... will be a good day.

And Thursday will be AWESOME!!!! yey!!!!

And Yes, Tweetie will then find time to blog and update on all the recent fun and moments shared with family & friends, and a very special someone... *wink*

Undecisive

Have been pondering a whole lot on a decision regarding my job. Asking myself questions after questions, considering the consequences, talking to close pals and wise old people. However, I've still not come to any conclusion. My mind kept changing, and I have mixed feelings.

Lately, I have begun feeling endless frustrations, and am highly irriatable and coming to a certain breaking point, finding it hard to tolerate anymore. Well, this would have been the 3rd time I've burnout and reached breaking point since I started work here. It's coming to six months... and at this point I just don't think it will get any better for me in this role.

Am I making too big a deal out of the situations?

I just know I no longer look at things positively, nor I do feel positive. I tried to motivate myself, I read some self-help books too, but... hehehe.. somehow I am finding it hard to apply the principles. Or rather, the unwillingness grows.

It is no longer a joy, and neither is it fun. Neither do I feel I am making positive contributions. Where is the satisfaction that comes with a job well done? I had enough. Really. And I've been saying " I HAD ENOUGH!" more and more often.

So, when do I take the action?
I've set the deadline to make the decision by next week, and yet now, I am thinking of bringing it forward to even today. That feels too impulsive. But how can it be impulsive when I've been seriously considering it for almost a month?

Well, some people I talked to said.. just take a break and you'll be fine. However, I feel that after the break, I probably won't wanna return, LOL. After a refreshing shower, I wouldn't wanna wear back the sour smelling clothes if I can help it, or go straight back to some smelly hole.

Sigh... but really, I keep trying to remind myself : Things are only as bad as you choose to see it. If I choose to see things more positively, perhaps it will be bearable.
If I don't take work seriously, perhaps it is fine to be "lost" and not doing an excellent job.
If I don't really care about performance, perhaps it if fine if all my bosses are frustrated and unhappy with how I suck at my job and finds me incompetent.

But, I mind.
I derive satisfaction and motivation from a job well done, and need to feel that I am contributing.

I guess, I am guilty of being too self-critical and places too high an expectation on myself.
Oh dear.. so then what do i do??? What would be the right thing to do??


And how about finances?
Can I cope with the minimal savings?
Can I find something new and comparable?
Am I making a foolish decision?
Are things really that bad or is it just me?

I think, it is me.
And that is good enough reason, perhaps.
I really don't wanna be blaming every other damn thing in the world.
Oops, self-blame is not exactly healthy either, LOL!

Anyway, I have to decide what makes me happy.

There is definitely something good and beautiful here, but that is only about 30% of it. The rest of it - the remaining 70% - is what drives me crazy, enough to leave me fuming, frustrated and in anguish - frequently.

Yea yea.. I still think its me.
Yet, it is probably just a mismatch in culture and mismatch in job.
Everyone is cut out for different roles and have different preferences and style.
I just have to admit that it is not working out for me here.

Sigh.

I will still wait till next week, and take a few more days to think about it, I guess.

I have a feeling, a bad feeling that next week will again be chaotic. It might make it harder for me to make a decision. :(

I guess, I don't wanna spoil anyone's long weekend by triggering it today either. I will aim for mid week to break the news next week - provided I've made the final decision.

I'd be a happier person soon. I'm optimistic about that, at least. :)
I will (hopefully) go to the gym, go swim, go for walks - to get back in shape, lose some fats.
I will (hopefully) go for short holidays, go spa, go massage, go for medi & pedicure, go pamper myself.
I will (hopefully) clear up the clutter in my room, which for a long time I have had no time to give it any attention.
I will (hopefully) spend quality time with my love ones and close friends, and fulfill the promises I have given to catch up and get more involve with life.
I will (hopefully) take up some courses or go learn something new, of interest, pick up a new skill.

Then, go seek a new employer. Lesser pay, nevermind. Lower rank, nevermind.
As long as I can be happy.

Ok, daydreaming over.

And now, to get back to work. =_=

Changes

CHANGES.

I feel, its time to call for MAJOR CHANGES in my life.
I need to do some critical evaluation and decide what to do.

Work has taken its toll on me.
I've neglected my family, my friends who are close to my heart, my personal life and health.
Time to do something about it. Really really do something about it.
Time to decide what matters, and what don't.
Time to move on and do what is right for me.

(=.=) .... sigh...

Am sick and on MC for 3 days since Monday.
MC = Medical Certificate and meant "Sick Leave" in Singapore, not "Menstrual Cycle" as asked by my foreign exboss once, when he was informed that an employee's having MC for the day. (I had a good laugh!!!!)

I'm on sick leave for a couple of reasons, mainly because I was bitten by some insects - suspected Sandflies - altogether about 12 red angry bites, on the feet and lower back. Don't know how it happened and where it happened. But during the weekend I paid a visit to the new Marina Barage, and was also at my ex-company's BBQ event held at Bayshore Park Condo. Took a walk and sat down somewhere for a chat, and possibly there may have been a pile of sand or soil infested with sandflies ???!!??? -_- sigh.. i'll never really know.

Anyway, the bites kept me up awake and scratching all night on Sunday, and somehow developed fever. Saw doctor on Monday and went home with a load of medication. Of which, was a bottle of Lice Lotion, to be applied all over the body after shower, and to let it dry on the skin naturally, and not to wash or bathe within the next 24 hours. hummmff... that's kinda disturbing, because it was suspected that I might have lice or some kinda skin parasite biting me. Worst, all beddings gotta be washed and if possible, family members should also be protected by having the lotion applied. Wah lauuuuuuuuuuuu~!!!!!!! Scary siah~!!!!

Doc also gave me Augmentin to treat the infections, as well to target the scalp acne breakouts possibly due to stress. Sigh.. my body's really breaking down due to burning out and stress. I was also given Atarax, for helping me to sleep in view of the itchings. I took one on monday night before sleeping - and thanks to it, I was fully drugged and woozy for the entire Tuesday. I could only wake and manage to make my way to the toilet to pee once in the morning, woke up again at noon when dad asked me about lunch - which I told him I was too giddy to move out of bed.. and finally, around 6pm, I was able to get out of bed, still feeling drugged and blur, but able to see straight and read words on screen.

Work.
Work. work. work.
Sigh.... this is one major problem.

On Monday night, I returned to office despite feeling unwell, to sort out a few matters and take my office laptop so I can work from home. Also, I have a conference all with Europe at 10pm which lasted an hour, and after that called one my CFO lady boss because more urgent data has been requested and needs to be submitted by the next afternoon (Tuesday)! FUCK!!!!!! I'm on sick leave, and I'm not well and how do I manage it????? Sigh..... I felt totally helpless, yet knows that I'm holding a managerial position and that is expected of me.

Stress kept me up a little till i popped the Atarax pill - Never did I expect that I can't see straight the next day, ho ho ho... and so, can't submit the data.

After the late breakfast+lunch at 6pm (mum woke me up and got me out to the coffeeshop to eat something), I logged on to work. No data has come in for me, and finally around 9pm, my CFO lady boss sent me 2 emails that didnt include the data, but told me to have to make sure i check this against that, and i need to get this or that data from another person. F%$#&!!!!!!! I was pissed off!!!!! I mean, please let me have the data so i can meet the deadline, there is no time to check this and check that!!!! Stop all the politics!!! ..... yet, the politics are necessary... to save jobs. Sigh.....

Anyway, i feel so lost. Lost in all these. And indeed, I feel discouraged again. I really DO NOT enjoy my job anymore. In fact, I feel that i am starting to resent it, and thats not good. I prefer things more straightforward and clear cut. And if being a manager means playing with all these ambiguity, then, I'd rather downgrade and take on something lighter. Fuck potential! Fuck all the "loss". It's really not worth it. I'm really unhappy!!!

To makes things worse..... today (Wednesday), I started having diarrhea~!!! (-_-)"
Started about 5am, together with more itches with the bites, and a worsen sinus infection. Called Doc and was told it could be due to side effects of the antibiotics. Oh well, if that's the case, then I'm not too worried. Called my lady boss again, and she didnt sound happy. Well, i dont blame her... yet, i don't feel good about the tone of her voice. I asked her again for the data because I've asked for extended deadline of 1 more day from Europe HQ and absolutely would need to send the report in. Again, instead of sending me the figures she wants me to do some analysis checks. This time, I felt really difficult... because I am really not feeling so well, I dont feel i am able to do analysis work. Somehow, she mumbled something about checking something herself and will call me back. Till now, i've not heard from her. I will call her soon, right after I pour this frustration out of my mind.

Talked to ET for a little while, and received some words of wisdom and affirmation from her. I really needed that.

Right now, I think... I will actively seek new employment.
I will be open to short term positions.
I will take on jobs that pay me a lower (much much lower) salary, but at least give me my work-life balance back.

And I should do so before Christmas.

My probation period is up on 30 Dec. Before confirmation is 1 week's notice. After confirmation will be 2 months' notice... it will be highly difficult to leave.

I dread that by doing so, I will add to the present crisis, and will be letting a few people down - especially The Dutch boss, who had believed in me. Sigh.. the CFO Lady boss has been kind as well, but I really have to "Shut Up, Move On". It's not their fault, I will take on the responsibility. I feel it is a job mismatch perhaps? Really, I feel that I am unable to cope with the stress that comes with a managerial position in this company. I am tired, I am feeling burnout, and I am not happy with my performance.

Time to tighten my belt, cut on expenses. I will be expecting a big paycut for my next job. But I think, I will be happier, and will get to work more decent hours. I look forward to being able to plan my time again and having some freedom without the burden that is constantly on my back - that something's still not done, and its not done because i have no fucking idea how to do it, and I'm too tired to think about it now. I want to leave that behind.

Enough time giving this job a try. The challenge has proven overwhelming, and I should be honest enough to admit defeat. The hardest part is letting go - of the "glamour", of the "personal office room", of the comfortable salary (nah, its never enough, I'd love to be paid more - but can I deliver and perform what's expected?). Also, I just hope the bosses don't try to hold me back again, but let me go. I think, in the present time and situation, they should make me redundant, LOL! Yes, it will be cheap because I'm too new in the company to be paid any severance benefit.

Ok, now, back to work. At least I've sort out some thoughts here.

Not sure how things will pan out again. I might just be too negative or pessimistic at the moment. But honestly, I really do think that I will not regret leaving this job, though it is stupid to do such a thing during an economic downturn and when most company has freezed their hiring, especially for General & Admin functional positions. Sigh.......

I should do the right thing for myself.

The company is good, just job does not fit me - I don't fit the job.

A funny car sign I found says :
"BORN TO PARTY -- FORCED TO WORK"

How true!!!!! hahahaa!!